This is going to be extremely random

Rainbow Brite hair.
Heart on.
Boobs.
Hard On.
FLYING FREE.
flying bumpers.
Miles to barf.
PENGUINS.
left sided ideals.
broken bones.
blood.
injuries.
glasses.
caution enter at your own risk.
life.

xoxo
Stephani

JB's Important Tour Dates(the ones that mean stuff to us!)

Jul 13 2009 8:00P	Verizon Center	Washington, DC
Jul 14 2009 8:00P	IZOD Center	East Rutherford, New Jersey
Jul 17 2009 8:00P	Banknorth Garden	Boston, Massachusetts
Jul 20 2009 8:00P	Nassau Coliseum	Uniondale, New York
Jul 24 2009 8:00P	Wachovia Center	Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Jul 25 2009 8:00P	Mellon Arena	Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Jul 26 2009 8:00P	Palace Of Auburn Hills	Detroit, Michigan
Jul 28 2009 8:00P	Scottrade Center	St. Louis, Missouri
Jul 29 2009 8:00P	Sprint Center	Kansas City, Missouri
Aug 15 2009 8:00P	New Orleans Arena	New Orleans, Louisiana
So who wants to go to a Jonas Concert?	Oh & armsac jb concert july 17?<3

Reaction

I've had so many mixed reactions from people since I posted the below blog. And I'll tell you all right out, right now. I don't want you to be sorry for me. My life is shit, my life has been shit, my life will always be shit. I admit that I am fine with that. And if you want to be sorry for me, remember those people who have it worse than I do, fell sorry for them.
I didn't post this for you all to basically wallow in my misery. I just I needed to get it off my chest. I got pregnant twice at 16. Once was with a boy I love, loved will always love. The other with a boy who raped me and then beat his own child to death. I miscarried the babies, little people who deserved to live. But I don't want you to be sorry for me. I just needed to let it out. I've lived with this for two years. I don't want to live with it anymore.

Secrets

I'm positive that every single one of us in the world, not only on this blog have secrets. I know it. I mean I was just on Open Up Through Secrets on Facebook. And this one girls secret really got to me. It said 'I've been raped twice. I've been pregnant twice. and I think about suicide more than a 16 year old should.'
I'm so sorry for whatever happened to you. But I think I should tell you girls what happened to me. It's actually really funny if you ask me how I can act so fucking sexual one second. And the next so calm and composed and scared. It seems funny saying that at 18 I'm scared of sex. Because I'm actually not I'm scared of what will happen. Just based on my life so far. And this is where we hit the secret part.
When I was sixteen I found out I was pregnant with Jamie's child. And when I say I was sixteen I mean I found out right after I turned 16(January 16). I was happy, he was happy, we hadn't told my parents just because it would ruin my life. He was twenty I was sixteen. Illegal. Almost four months along and I was barely showing, mainly because I didn't eat right from sixth grade to now. Then I got the call, Jamie died. And I put myself through too much stuff. I didn't eat. I just cried. I didn't even sleep. I went to school as a zombie. Still no one knew. And then one day it happened. I woke up to blood covering my sheets. I freaked out. And I still didn't tell anyone. It didn't take much for me to figure it out. I miscarried. I went to Jamie's mom's house to be sure, she was a nurse. I tried to kill myself five times that week. I didn't think about it I tried. I swallowed pills, brought a knife to my skin, tried to strangle myself. But every time one of his family members stopped me, found me or saved me. The pills just didn't work, and I guess I'm glad about that. The knife wound was sewn up and never mentioned again. The marks around my neck stayed for a good week but I was always wearing scarfs. I thank them for saving me. But at the same time I wish they had let me die.
Then I met a jerk. This jerk doesn't have a name, he doesn't deserve one. He treated me like fucking shit (which is why he's the jerk of the story). Treating me like shit including raping me. I hated him even more for that. Because yes I hated him for how he treated me. But the fact that he did that was even worse in my opinion. Well six weeks later that fucking stick ruined my life again. Pregnant. I didn't want to tell him but finding me slumped over the toilet three times in a week gave it away. He grabbed my hair, ripping pieces of it out and slammed me up against the wall. I remember his words because I hated him for them more than he ever said to me before.
"You fucking whore. You got pregnant on purpose so that I couldn't leave you."
I wanted to laugh in his face. Clearly I got pregnant so the abusive fuck who raped me wouldn't leave me. I laughed in his face, knowing it wouldn't be good whatever he had planned. And I was right. He beat me so I couldn't move. And then just because he's a bastard he kicked my stomach. Killing his child. I never thought I would cry because of that bastard. But I did right then and there. Because it hurt, because it was a person, because I might not have loved that baby to the fullest but someone would have. I was only ten weeks pregnant but still. It was a baby. I tried to kill myself then, actually I had hoped he would kill me. But no such luck. Jerk is living somewhere else, away from me. I have people who protect me if needed.
That is my secret, which isn't really a secret anymore. Just don't tell please, at least not my family.

xoxo
Stephani (is sinful)

Life

Life is seemingly nack to normal in my house. There is screaming, yelling, crying and bitching all before 8 AM.
I'm currently waiting for my brother to go to school (little), my grandfather to leave the house(grocery shopping) so that I can go to the store and buy bleach for my hair. Yea I basically bleached the shit out of my hair yesterday I'll be posting pictures later lol. But part of it is still blackish brown so I'm going and getting a bleach kit and a roots kit. It is going to be so much fun, going into work with WHITE BLOND hair.
Seriously I'll put pictures up here first.
My car is at the mechanics and has been since Monday, when it crashed into a snow bank.
and was impounded by the cops. and brought to the mechanics/impound lot. I am leaking some fluid and i have front end damage from snow.
I basically don't work for three days, today tomorrow and the day after, just based on the fact that on Friday I don't work until 4 PM. which means yes I am closing but by closing I get to basically do nothing the whole time. Only downside the shop doesn't have internet so I can't mess around online all night.
I found Ashley a flight from her to me for a total of 331 dollars. I know she keeps saying that she won't let me pay for it but I mean I have no problem helping her pay for her ticket up here. I just want to be sure that everyone is here! I am still insanely sad that Ren can't come, and she's never finished her blog she stopped at calling me the girl with five colors in her hair which is actually a lie right now i've got four... but still. Idk.

Um my brother leaves for school in 15.
my grandfather will leave right after that.
then it's bleach time :)

xoxo
Stephani

It's only RAPE if he pulls out.

Seriously don't ask me about that title and i do mean that I have no bloody idea at all. But this is going to be a really random blog so I thought it would fit.
New idea for ARMSAC 2009, we could have a paint war one day :) but we are not allowed to team up against Ashley cause that is mean. And by paint war I mean we buy a bunch of water balloons, or regular balloons lol and then a bunch of paint and then we go to this empty lot by my house and have fun. :)
Um let's see I'm writing a one shot it's almost done. I feel like I haven't written in forever but truthfully I have I just stopped posting it basically.
Um. My grandfather told me I couldn't have food in my room today, I replied with ' well than the cats can't be in my room they have to eat there after all' and i got told to 'move if i don't want to listen to him.' FUCK HIM seriously.
Um that's it for now I think

xoxo
Stephani

a word. or a thousand.

basically, for some unexplained reason i've just been feeling that life is rather sucky. i've been living in louisiana since january and i haven't accomplished ANYTHING. my life is going nowhere and i'm beginning to wonder if i even have a future. i'm probably just going to fade into oblivion. and when i die people aren't even gonna care because nobody really knows me at all.

that being said, i don't know why i feel this way. i mean i laugh a lot and i love being here. dylan is one of my favorite people, just because he's so funny. and my grandma makes sure i get to do things i want to do, often at her expense. it just seems that all of this is superficial and not real.

the last time i really blogged i said that will and i were becoming friends again. and yeah, we were, but the very next day he pissed me off again. i hate being lied to and i'm pretty sure he lied hardcore. if not i'm sorry but it just seems unrealistic to me. but what do i know?

and friends in general, i just don't know. i feel like i've withdrawn from everyone and talking just seems weird. i know i have you guys but it just doesn't feel the same to me. i'm not even excited about the meetup anymore, and we all know how i was about it. i know it's not you guys that's making me feel this way, i don't know what it is.

i feel so lost and it's insane because i don't want to feel this way. i want to be myself again.