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i have this weird thing about hating to disappoint people. i've always had it and i probably always will. part of my major trepidation about the armsac meetup is meeting you guys and you realizing that i'm really just this boring, immature girl and you'll be so disappointed that i'm not at all how you think i am.

i really hate disappointing family and friends. they've put so much faith in me that when i let them down i feel so bad. everyone at work thinks i've been at school this whole semester because if i told them i didn't go they'd STILL be talking about it. when i disappoint my grandma or mom it almost physically hurts. i mean, not little disappointments, like when i don't clean my room or something, but when i REALLY let them down.

so when stephani said that i disappointed her, it really killed me. i don't even know what to say to her now. i mean i can't just erase her disappointment away with an ily betch and everything be great, but i want to.

it's a case of where i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't.

did you know that will used to fuss and bitch at me so much when i went out and drank and smoked pot and stuff? he would literally call me and yell at me if he found out. and now he does it more than i ever have and thinks it was funny how he hurt my feelings so much. oh how the tables have turned.

i think everyone in my family is suffering from an addiction of sorts. even dylan, the youngest member of our family. he could have been born addicted to cocaine because his mom was a user. his dad is an alcoholic and has been in jail for most of my life. my other uncle is a drug addict and alcoholic. even my dad is a drug addict and alcoholic. i seriously worry that kristen will be going down the same path. i don't worry about myself too much, because if i can stop like i did last year, i can stop again. i'm not going to let anything get to a point that i can't handle. i learned that lesson at the last major party i went to. if things start to look more serious, i know i can walk away. and not many people can say that with confidence.

i just...disappointing people and knowing that i've done so hurts me so badly. but at the same time i've been disappointed by so many things and so many people in life too.

stephani, if you read this, i'm sorry. i don't really even know how to phrase anything. i know it's not okay and well, i don't even know what to type here. i just hope that this doesn't ruin our friendship because you are SERIOUSLY my best friend. i think it pissed will off when i said that the other day, but it's true.

i guess this is the end.