lines vines and trying times

yes, i give you permission to call me lame for using that as my blog post title. go ahead, i know already. :)

with armsac so close the worries that were blissfully missing for a while are now coming back full force. it's not so much the money issue (though that is still something i should be concerned about) but it's just the general meeting up.

i'm gonna let you in on something. i'm not a grown up AT ALL. i know you're probably sitting there like "duh" but trust me, you have no idea. i'm almost 21 years old and i still haven't gotten my driver's license. worse? i barely know how to drive. i can point the blame at a lot of people (namely the ones that keep telling me we'll go driving but never take me) but at the end of the day it's me. i'm kinda scared to drive.

when i get right down to it, i'm just a big baby and i'm scared of everything. it's just a fact about me. i know that things shouldn't be scary and i can joke about it, but at the end of the day i let this irrational part of my brain take over and i just become this scared little chicken.

so armsac has me shaking in my boots (not literally because i don't have a pair of boots and i'm actually quite still in front of the computer) because i'll be doing some things that may force me to grow up a little bit.

in a little more than two weeks (holy shit that's scary, and wow i pause my monologue with a lot of parenthesis) i'll be getting on an airplane by myself. i'll be stuck in atlanta for three hours by myself. i'll be meeting people i've only ever talked to online or on the phone BY MYSELF. no grandma or mom to help me out or anything. i'm doing this on my own.

and it really terrifies me.

it's not so much meeting you guys, because i think if anyone were the serial killer in the group it would be me (hahah my fanfics anyone?) but at the same time it's just so surreal to know that i'll be face to face with people i've never met. and i'm excited, i'm super excited and wish it were tomorrow, but at the same time it has me so worried i don't know what to do. i worry if we'll get along in person, i worry if we'll all still like each other after this is all said and done.

but most of all i worry about the fact that you'll meet me and realize that i'm just a big baby and annoying and you'd be better off without me.

and (oh god i'm crying...see? i'm a big baby) that has me so scared. because for a year you guys have been my best and only friends. you've been there for me when i was up, and you've worried about me when i disappeared off the face of the earth for a few days. not only have you guys been friends, you've been the people i've confided in the most. you've been the ones who inspire me to write, to do things i normally wouldn't do, and every once in a while have fun with life.

the thought that you guys will see me and realize just how annoying and a pain i am terrifies me. because i don't know what i'd do without you guys.

i've said it a million times - it's so hard for me to make friends. and i'd hate for this meeting to be the end of three (because ren isn't gonna be there) friendships that i've grown to cherish more than anything.

and i hate writing this because i'm not looking for "oh everything will be alright" because we don't know do we? we won't know how we all are together until it happens? and knowing that my fears can be justified just makes them more real.

and then there's other minor worries like the fact that i'm pretty sure that time of the month will be during armsac, and i have the tendency to get super emotional at the tiniest thing. like if you even look at me wrong i cry. and i don't want to do that.

anyway, i just thought i'd share that and get it off my chest.

i just don't think anybody realizes what a huge step this is for me. i've never done anything on my own, and i'm about to do so much and i can't hide the fact i'm scared.