I don't know why but I feel the urge to blog all the time. I mean maybe it's just cause I have a lot to say. I mean I think I have the biggest mouth out of all us ARMSAC girls, even Ashley's mouth isn't as big as mine. But I mean I think we all know who wins the big mouth contest. stephani duh.
But yea as I sit here texting Ash & Crystal I ponder something. Why am I the way I am?
I mean my personality isn't exactly nice. And truthfully I never thought of why I was this way before like now.
It's actually all thanks to Crystal. And no I am not saying she is to blame for me being this way. I mean she is the one who made me think about it.
So.here.I.go.
My life was normal for a while. But that all changed when I was *four*. Up until that time my parents had been pretending to the happily married and then *one* day my mom got mad, threw my dad's keys in the trash(it was trash day and the garbage man got them before my dad), and left. Ever since then I was in Virginia now I love Virginia with all of my heart after all I did end up living there for *thirteen* years. But Connecticut will always be my home. So then I had a semi normal life again until I was in the *third* grade. That was the year that made me who I am.
I know I know how does *third* grade affect a child in such a horrible way to make them who they are. Well this is what happened that year. My dad had always dated after him and my mom broke up, so did my mom that's not the big deal. The big deal is that when I was in the *third* grade he married a woman named Lisa. I suppose everyone thought Lisa was cool at first. I mean I liked her at *first*. But then it happened. We all got to finally see Lisa's true colors.
Now before I go into why she changed my life so much I should tell you a bit more about her. She looks like a normal person, if that normal person was Lindsay Lohan on crack about *twenty* years older and a bit taller. She had *two* children at the time a son and a daughter, Bretten & Alexis, Bretten is in his *twenties*, Alexis is *nine* days older than me. They look nothing alike, because she had Bretten in high school with her *first* husband and Alexis some time later with someone else.
So back to her true colors and how she changed my life. I believe above I mentioned that she looked like Lindsay Lohan on crack. Well that might have something to do with the fact that she was infact on crack, and coke, and weed, and meth basically you name it she did it. We didn't know it at *first*, if we had my dad would not have married her, he used to be a cop and knows what happens. So she moved in with my dad, at my grandparents(she used all their $ for drugs) and she started to steal from my grandmother. So she got kicked out of there. Notice I said she and not anyone else we all stayed she went. Her and my dad bought a few properties, somehow they had money for that. And then she burned at least *one* of them down for drug money.
She went to jail, came back, went to jail came back, went to jail, came back again. I swear she's been in jail like *twenty* times in the past *eight( years. She used to harrass my mother, from either my fathers house or from jail, by calling and leaving threatening messages on the answering machine. Of course they were full of curse words and such. And the answering machine was in my room. I was *nine* at the most when they started. I grew tougher so that her words wouldn't hurt then and there. So she is part of the reason that I am this way.
She used drugs for a majority of her pregnancy with my half brother. The only reason she stopped was she got put in jail. Currently she is in 'rehab'(we think she's lying) in Florida(oh but when she calls the caller id says Georgia).
And the other reason is a boy. His tale is actually worse than hers and for the longest time I never thought that could happen, but it did. His name isn't important I've given up speaking it because I know if I do he'll find out somehow and hurt me worse than he has before.
This tale starts almost exactly after Jamie died. I met that other boy. We talked and were friends for well a while and then I decided I was okay to date him. So I started to and it was fine at first. And then it wasn't fine. The words coming out of his mouth, the way his hands worked on my body were pure hell. It got to the point of I couldn't wear anything but hoodies or long sleeve shirts. Because he beat me that fucking bad. Like I was pure black and blue.
(P.S. renners sorry for the language!)
I was with him for *six* months before Jamie's cousin(*one* of my exboyfriends) Jess saw him attack me and literally saved my life. I gained weight, a lot of weight. I mean yes I was already over weight but I gained probably a hundred pounds during that *six* month period of time when I was dating him.
He came to Connecticut not to long ago claiming I was talking shit about him. And beat me so bad that I couldn't walk straight, and I was at work when it happened and no *one* saw anything. But I am infact a better person than he is. But he is part of the reason I'm so 'abusive' towards my friends.
I'm mean because I care. I'm mean because it helps me see who my real friends are. I'm mean because I'm scared. And I'm mean because it means I don't have to let people in.
I'm so sorry for being so mean guys. You all I love to death.
xoxo
Stephani
(p.s. REALLY SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE THROUGHOUT THE BLOG(posts!))
But yea as I sit here texting Ash & Crystal I ponder something. Why am I the way I am?
I mean my personality isn't exactly nice. And truthfully I never thought of why I was this way before like now.
It's actually all thanks to Crystal. And no I am not saying she is to blame for me being this way. I mean she is the one who made me think about it.
So.here.I.go.
My life was normal for a while. But that all changed when I was *four*. Up until that time my parents had been pretending to the happily married and then *one* day my mom got mad, threw my dad's keys in the trash(it was trash day and the garbage man got them before my dad), and left. Ever since then I was in Virginia now I love Virginia with all of my heart after all I did end up living there for *thirteen* years. But Connecticut will always be my home. So then I had a semi normal life again until I was in the *third* grade. That was the year that made me who I am.
I know I know how does *third* grade affect a child in such a horrible way to make them who they are. Well this is what happened that year. My dad had always dated after him and my mom broke up, so did my mom that's not the big deal. The big deal is that when I was in the *third* grade he married a woman named Lisa. I suppose everyone thought Lisa was cool at first. I mean I liked her at *first*. But then it happened. We all got to finally see Lisa's true colors.
Now before I go into why she changed my life so much I should tell you a bit more about her. She looks like a normal person, if that normal person was Lindsay Lohan on crack about *twenty* years older and a bit taller. She had *two* children at the time a son and a daughter, Bretten & Alexis, Bretten is in his *twenties*, Alexis is *nine* days older than me. They look nothing alike, because she had Bretten in high school with her *first* husband and Alexis some time later with someone else.
So back to her true colors and how she changed my life. I believe above I mentioned that she looked like Lindsay Lohan on crack. Well that might have something to do with the fact that she was infact on crack, and coke, and weed, and meth basically you name it she did it. We didn't know it at *first*, if we had my dad would not have married her, he used to be a cop and knows what happens. So she moved in with my dad, at my grandparents(she used all their $ for drugs) and she started to steal from my grandmother. So she got kicked out of there. Notice I said she and not anyone else we all stayed she went. Her and my dad bought a few properties, somehow they had money for that. And then she burned at least *one* of them down for drug money.
She went to jail, came back, went to jail came back, went to jail, came back again. I swear she's been in jail like *twenty* times in the past *eight( years. She used to harrass my mother, from either my fathers house or from jail, by calling and leaving threatening messages on the answering machine. Of course they were full of curse words and such. And the answering machine was in my room. I was *nine* at the most when they started. I grew tougher so that her words wouldn't hurt then and there. So she is part of the reason that I am this way.
She used drugs for a majority of her pregnancy with my half brother. The only reason she stopped was she got put in jail. Currently she is in 'rehab'(we think she's lying) in Florida(oh but when she calls the caller id says Georgia).
And the other reason is a boy. His tale is actually worse than hers and for the longest time I never thought that could happen, but it did. His name isn't important I've given up speaking it because I know if I do he'll find out somehow and hurt me worse than he has before.
This tale starts almost exactly after Jamie died. I met that other boy. We talked and were friends for well a while and then I decided I was okay to date him. So I started to and it was fine at first. And then it wasn't fine. The words coming out of his mouth, the way his hands worked on my body were pure hell. It got to the point of I couldn't wear anything but hoodies or long sleeve shirts. Because he beat me that fucking bad. Like I was pure black and blue.
(P.S. renners sorry for the language!)
I was with him for *six* months before Jamie's cousin(*one* of my exboyfriends) Jess saw him attack me and literally saved my life. I gained weight, a lot of weight. I mean yes I was already over weight but I gained probably a hundred pounds during that *six* month period of time when I was dating him.
He came to Connecticut not to long ago claiming I was talking shit about him. And beat me so bad that I couldn't walk straight, and I was at work when it happened and no *one* saw anything. But I am infact a better person than he is. But he is part of the reason I'm so 'abusive' towards my friends.
I'm mean because I care. I'm mean because it helps me see who my real friends are. I'm mean because I'm scared. And I'm mean because it means I don't have to let people in.
I'm so sorry for being so mean guys. You all I love to death.
xoxo
Stephani
(p.s. REALLY SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE THROUGHOUT THE BLOG(posts!))
1 comments:
Holy crap. Stephani if I was with you when you wrote and posted that blog, I totally would have given you a major hug.
I had no idea that *all* of this happened. I mean I knew you had an abusive exboyfriend, but I had no idea it was so bad. Or about your (ex?)stepmom.
And when I asked you that question in that text I had no idea that it would spark all this. You telling us this. It was just the first question that popped into my mind.
I'm really sorry that all that happened to you though. Just know that I love you despite how *mean* you are. I know it's cause you care and are afraid to let people in.
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