did you know...

armsac.com is a website talking about some ARMS air conditioning service? damn. there goes my plans for total and complete armsac dominationi. we almost had it girls.

but that's not what i wanted to blog about.

my mood really hasn't been the best lately, and while i'm feeling mellow and pretty good right now (i don't really know why) i'm sure the bad feeling i have will come back.

see lately i've been doing a lot of thinking (and we know when me + thinking is involved it never = goodness.)

it might not seem obvious to a lot of people, but i worry a lot. sometimes about serious stuff , other times about stuff that would seem inconsequential. it's just how i am. i worry.

and lately i've just got this feeling in my chest that something bad is going to happen.

i mean maybe it already has. steph's life just looks topsy turvy to me and i can't be there to help her and i don't really know what to say, or even if she needs help. crystal is a lifesaver and when we talk she always makes me feel better. and i rarely talk to mel or ren anymore. i'm not worried about our friendship falling apart, i've already been reassured once that things are fine so that's not what i'm worried about.

it's hard to really describe what i'm worried about.

random before i get back to this topic: i was going to delete the blog i wrote about my pawpaw. while i believe in every word i said and everything about the blog, i didn't feel like it needed to be here. but when i went to delete it i couldn't. maybe it does belong here. i'm not ashamed of my pawpaw so i shouldn't be ashamed of my blog post.

now back to what i was trying to say.

i've been thinking about this friendship that we have all day. how you girls are more than just some people i met online that like the jonas brothers. you know that, we all do. we're best friends and inexplicably, though we're all different, we're the same. we get each other.

and that kind of scares me.

i've never really been one to have friends, and i've been thinking about this even before steph posted her blog about people leaving her. (weird how we kinda think alike huh?) i just got to thinking that maybe when you guys met me in person, no computer screen to hide behind, no typing of "hahahah" to hide my laugh that you guys will understand why i don't have too many friends. that you'll see for real just what kind of loser i am.

it's not like i've lied to you guys about my personality. that would be pretty freaking hard to do. i feel like i know you guys pretty well and i hope you feel the same. but i just worry that once you meet me the whole meetup will be a disaster because you can't wait for me to leave.

and i guess it kind of worries me that the friendships i've made online are the only ones i have now. i don't have will and for too long he was my only friend. yeah i have more friends now (you guys) but like i said that might not last too much longer.

i guess i've come to realize i'm just a loner. i'm sure you've all noticed times when i didn't return an im or didn't reply to a message. i just have these spells where i just don't want to talk to people. it's not that i don't love you guys, it's just i want to be left alone. it's a big part of me and one of the parts of me that makes me think that if it did fall through, and that i lost you guys that i'd be alright. because i've done without friends before.

i really don't know the point of this blog anymore.

i'm rambling and it won't make sense to anybody.

i just don't know much about anything anymore, and it kinda kills me.

i really want to shink this part, but i don't know how. so steph don't kill me for what i'm about to say.

maybe it's best if i don't come to this meetup. it's not like i can afford it anyway.