"Now I'm trying To Find My Way Back Home."

This probably isn't the place for this blog but I have to put it somewhere and I choose here so deal with it. I don't know what has happened to me in the past week. But it's something big I can tell you that much. Because I go from freaking out on Saturday(right?) cause Ryan was in the hospital to asking Ricky to be my valentine and breaking up with Ryan. Which Ricky's answer was 'don't you have a boyfriend?' um i did yea but your Ricky you need to be my valentine seriously. I don't know what caused this change in my feelings, well I sort of do it has to do with someone. Even though I know how ridiculous it is to think that person and I would end up together, or anything of the sort. I have my standards when it comes to boys, and he failed that, barely apparently but he failed still. I can't help it though, he influences my life completely and totally without trying. I let him too, cause I love him. and I shouldn't love him. I don't know I mean I've had this happen once before. But that was Jamie who brought me away from Jess. I mean. Jamie was the boy I dated for two years straight broke up with for three months and dated his cousin, and yet I dated Jamie again, because Jamie was the person I love. I wish I knew why this happens to me, it ruins relationships and I hate that. But it happens and there is nothing I can do about it!

I wish I could say that I was strong enough to realize that Ryan and I were happy, and in love. But even knowing this I still ended it with him. He has Marisole, Marisole who is there in Georgia with him, Marisole who they called when he got hurt, Marisole who has been by his side since the accident. He loved her and I'm sure he still does, they deserve to be happy together.
And I wish that I could say the right thing to convince Matt and Jeff to not leave. But I can't. Matt and Jeff are moving, to a place where they can 'be accepted easier.' Yea right guys your moving to the south, it's not accepted there any easier than it is here. But your leaving, just like everything else.

It's actually pretty much a pattern in my life, I love something, or something loves me and it leaves and then it's over. I had Jamie and he died. I had Jaren and Jaden (twins yea!) and one dumped me, the other got engaged to me and then called me a fucking bitch and never talked to me again, and both left me. I had Ryan(twice) and he left both times, yes I ended it this time but he left both times. My friends are the same way, Juile, Lauren, Chelsie, Matt, Jeff, Sean, China, Mary, Leah, everyone. No one stays. I guess if you love me you have to leave. It's got to be a rule that I didn't know about.

xoxo
Stephani

p.s. my wisdom teeth are growing in, and I am seriously tempted to pull out a few of my teeth.
like the back ten.
seriously.