Dents in My Fender, Rips in My Jeans

I need to get a few things out. Because I've been praying and praying but I feel like I'm not hearing anything yet, and I just need to get some things out.

Lately, I've been more concerned with my ability as a singer. Mainly at church. In the choir, contemporary band, and youth band. I know I'm not the best, and I'm not even what they need. But I'm not going to lie. I do it because I love it, even if I'm not very good. I love being there and singing and I love the fellowship it goes along with. Because there are plenty of times when I'll go hours and hours at school, but the only time I have a conversation with anyone outside of my immediate family is on Sunday morning. 

And it's all starting to culminate to where I am now. This morning, I sang at the 8:30 service. I did a really pretty awful job. I know I did, and I wish I could have done better. And the director didn't say a word about the contemporary service, and they just played it without me. And I won't lie, I felt a little bit snubbed. And then I got to youth group tonight for youth band, and there weren't enough channels for three mics, so I didn't sing.

But my mom and I were talking, and I hadn't told her any of this, but I mentioned that there were only enough channels for two mics. And I mentioned that I might see if there was a way to work around it or if I could just fill in every once in a while.

My mother, the one person who I thought was supposed to be supportive of me, especially with the things that I love, told me that I just needed to quit all of it. Or stay in the adult choir, but don't do anything else because it's just "excessive". She told me to stop hogging the spotlight. 

And I feel so lost. Is this really the direction God's pulling me in? Away from music worship? Because I feel like I love it too much to give it up, but what other choice do I have? I'm a burden to the music leaders there, and my mother thinks it's just a bad idea. 

I'm so ready to quit. So ready. I think I might just stop coming, not to church, but I maybe I don't need to be a part of the music program. There were a few people who would tell me that they liked seeing me up there, but maybe they were just pitying me or trying to be polite. 

I just...I don't know. It's been one of the few things that, well really, the only thing that I really love doing anymore. The one thing that I can't wait to get to do, and when I'm there, practicing and singing, I am more carefree than I am at any other point. But what if it's just not the right thing? 

I don't even know what to say right now. I'm just upset, I guess.