listening to bayside and...

thinking. i know, i'm just as shocked at the thinking part as you are. but actually, honestly, i'm not really thinking all that much. i'm sort of taking a break from that. and i know that that's not really smart and if i keep doing it i'll end up going through another massive emotional breakdown again, but just for now, just for today i need to quit.

if you guys actually knew how much i worried about things and overthink everything you'd probably freak out. there's a line from a teddy geiger song that says "everything in life happens twice, the first time's in my mind." or something like that, i don't have my ipod nearby, and like i said before i'm listening to bayside. but it's close to that. but yeah, that line struck a chord with me. because i seriously come up with scenarios for almost every thing i put myself into. when i say hello to someone, what will they say. and then when it actually happens, i always wonder if the response was genuine. i don't know why, but analyze every reaction i get.

and while it might not look like it, i think about my future A LOT. i wonder what my life will be like. when i go to my ten year reunion, will i be a success or just somebody that gets whispered about? am i actually capable of doing anything on my own? half the time i just try to ignore how i feel about things and delve into the land of internet gossip and teenie stuff. it's easier that way.

but last night was sort of a breaking point for me.

i don't know what brought it on, but last night on the car ride home from the movies i spilled it all out to my mom. i told her that i didn't want to be a failure, but i was so afraid to do anything. i told her about my writing fanfic (and she didn't laugh) i told her i wanted to be a writer but i could never write a book. i told her i had the same idea for a book in my head since the ninth grade and she didn't make fun of the idea when i told her about it (even though i kept crying and breaking it up calling it retarded.) she didn't even laugh when i told her that i got a fanfic award on jbf. all the fears i had about telling my mom i wanted and liked to write (regardless of my talent) amounted to nothing. she even said "well you obviously don't suck if people gave you an award for it."

i felt so nauseous and just nervous when i was spilling out all of the worries and concerns i have. i don't even think i can go through it again on this blog just because i'm starting to get antsy and nervous just writing this. i don't know why, but it just happens. which is why i think i hide behind the person you know me as. it's easier than showing you the vulnerable, scared little girl i really am.

that's why i was an emotional wreck last night. and honestly i'm surprised it took me this long to break down.