bye for now

gonna post a status message on facebook that pretty much says the same thing, but i thought i'd post it here first.

i'm going on a hiatus from everything for a while. i just really can't be around people right now because i'm pissed off about life in general and i don't want to take it out on you girls.

you can text or whatever, but i'm probably not gonna reply.

i love you girls.

UGH!!

I love online college one second and the next second I fucking hate it.
I went online last week, did all my homework and was all happy.
I get online this week and go to do my homework and realize that all the homework I did last week was for this week.
which basically means I didn't do any of my work last week, so I'm basically failing my classes now.
fml.

xoxo
Stephani

basically nothing

okay so apparently it's been like 12 days since i've last written on this one...

so i figured i would write something.

yet i have nothing to write.

so i guess i'm just wasting space at the moment while i'm keeping myself awake for some unknown reason.
i've seriously been up 26 hours...

and i feel like i could fall asleep at any moment...

so i think i'm actually going to go to bed.

hope you girls are good...

hopefully nothing too bad has been going on...

that statement being mainly focused at all but Steph.
and Steph...

i really hope that your grams gets better.

love you girlies.

<3
Crystalily

yo ho ho

first off - there's something wrong with me. majorly. because i'm finding the jb cover of "i'm gonna getcha good"....good?

no no no no no.

but yet, it's good.

ick. ick. stupid good looking (and sounding!) jonas brothers. fuck.



now for the PURPOSE of this blog. and i don't even know what's up with it.

but will and i are...friends again?

i don't know how it happened or what caused it, but suddenly we're talking again. it's not the same as it used to be, and we both realize it, which i guess is a good thing. because we've grown up about it.

but can i be friends with will again? i don't know. i think in some aspect he needs to be in my life, and the time apart when we decided to not be friends helped a lot.

i'm happy with him in my life and i'm happy without him in my life. there's no middleman.

meh, whatevs.

idk? my bff ashley?

<3
truthfully these girls are all my best friends, just in different ways. Seriously. You have no idea girls. (and richard who does not read this unless spying on crystal.)
ily<3

xoxo

Stephani

I love you because....

You are the one person who makes a smile form on my face by saying hi.
You are the one person who gets 'mad' when I joke with you and then when I do the same thing you freak out.
You are the one person who makes me wonder why the fuck I love you.
But I know why I love you.
And I would think you would know by now but you still fucking question me.
I love you because you didn't know me and were talking about marrying me(jokingly).
I love you because we can talk for hours and I never want it to stop.
I love you because you said you'd be there to protect me from my friends from murders from anyone.
I love you because you tease me and let me tease you.
I love you because you can make me feel so much better by just talking to me.
I love you because you let me bitch and don't complain.
I love you because you don't want me to change to be your friend.
I love you because you are a wonderful person and you don't seem to see that.
I love you because you IM me from two feet away even though we could be talking.
I love you because you make me smile, no one else makes me smile like you do.
I love you because you make me cry, because sometime I just need to cry and your good at making me do that.
I love you because we have stupid arguments and five seconds later we're friends again.
I love you because you put up with me, everyone know that's worthy of love.
I love you because when I say something stupid, you tell me and don't laugh at me for it.
I love you because you put up with me being mean to you, even though you don't have to.
I love you because you are a wonderful friend to me and I don't think I would be happy if your weren't my friend.
I love you because you say your sorry when you don't do anything just cause you think it will make me feel better.
I love you because you don't talk to me often(i wish you talked to me all the time) but when you do talk to me it feels like we'll never stop.
I love you because you put up with me being gross, I couldn't be how I am with you with my other guy friends.
I love you because you know what to say to make me stop crying, even when your the one that started it.
I love you because you get excited over the simplest of things, just like I do.
I love you because you make my heart jump whenever you talk to me, no it's not cause I like you it's cause I never talk to you.
I love you because you put up with me being a total teenie at time, I can't help how I get sometimes but you put up with me.
I love you because you encourage me to do things, even if sometimes they are things I shouldn't do.
I love you because you make me laugh, I don't laugh enough without you around.
I love you because you were my 'boyfriend' and threatened to beat up the pervs I work with.
I love you because you make me love you.
Do you get it now?
Do you fucking understand?

xoxo
Stephani


ps. just ignore this. i was mad and had to post it everywhere.

Random

So yea this is going to be extremely random.
I bought Crystal and Ricky their plane tickets and sent their itineraries to them. Um I spelled their last name wrong, I'm actually a bit dyslexic and I have problems with spelling which is why I tend not to use words I don't know when I'm spelling, because to me it always looks right. But yea I spelled their last name wrong, I switched two letters, and then I told the airline, they fixed it they said so there should be no problems.
ARMSAC is offically July 7-22. We can stay at my house for as long as needed probably but just to warn you all I will be working while we are staying at my house, not like insane hours or anything but probably very early in the morning until like 12 or 11. I actually might need the money so it's a good idea you know. (But most likely I'm gonna work like three days and then be like can't sorry lol).
I sent out my valentines yesterday, got Crystal's which btw love I love you! Seriously amazing Valentine thank you for making it for me and sending it to me. And we DO need to get (me) a puppy and tell Kevin Jonas that he's the father (Maury moment there). I also got one from my mom, which she obviously didn't think about it was very pink and girly, and I don't really do either of those things. And then a picture from my little three year old sister, and one from my little one year old brother. My brothers was scribbles, my sister drew me the Jonas Brothers... she labeled them but the only one I can see is Joe. so nick and kevin sorry lol.
I keep drawing lately, I still can't draw faces, it's just not what I do seriously. But yea I drew a bunch and put them on facebook. People keep telling me that they are good and stuff but I think that they should have faces. Seriously. FACES. ugh but whatever apparently they look good faceless. I drew peter pan yesterday too, he has a face, I should put him up. However he is a cartoon, and yea.
Um my pictures keep falling off my wall, and yea that sucks, I have lots of tape now so that I can tape them back up but it bugs me. I have other pictures I need to tape up too, but all the other things haven't fallen off yet so that's kind of gay.
My boss must hate me, she keeps making me work at the most random hours of the day. I hate it. I am so about to quit.
I'm two faced to anyone who knows me, apparently. Yea I do talk crap about people, but I do it to their faces 24/7. I tend not to want to talk shit about you and then be nice to your face. If I'm going to be mean to you I'm going to do it to your face. And I do mean that.
Um I think that is all for now.
xoxo
Stephani

O.M.G.

so um. blame crystal for this. let's make us an armsac band.

hahahah

know why?
cause well we could be signed to the jb's record label. it needs to happen.

xoxo
Stephani

what is the apperance of the right margrin in a paper

Well that really doesn't matter truthfully. But what does matter is our friendship.
and i feel the need for either a good old fashion ARMSAC chat via IM or a good new fashion ARMSAC chat via cellular/home devices.
I think it would make me feel better.
:)
ily<3

xoxo
Stephani

don't worry

ok so it seems like my girls are having a tough time recently.

and it seems that some of you are worried that I'm not going to like you when we actually meet each other or that I am going to leave you...

but there is no way that i'm going to hate or leave any of you.

simply because of one thing...

you girls aren't my best friends...

not anymore.

we surpassed that a long time ago.

you girls are my sisters and my family.

and you don't leave family.

and yes you may hate family at times...

but deep down you still love them whether you admit it or not.

well okay there are definitely some exceptions to what i just said...

but you girls are not one of them for me.

i love you girls.

if i hadn't met any of you...

i would be a lot lonelier than i am most times...

cause even though i can't see you...

i know that i at least have you girls to talk and rant to when i need to...

or at least most of the time when i need to.

and if you girls aren't on exactly when i need you...

i know i can always talk to you the next time you are on.

and by this point i'm rambling...

but we all do it.

that's been proven.

i just felt that it was important for me to say this.

and important for you girls to know this.

i think that's all i'll say in this blog now.

and to finish it...

Happy Valentine's Day chicas.

and you can't say that you don't have a valentine...

cause i'm here to fill that role.

speaking of valentines...

i really need to make mine.

and they will definitely be late.

<3

Crystal

ps...don't ever be afraid to call me at home if you girls need someone to talk to...or email me or something. you don't only have to blog about your feelings. maybe hearing someone's voice tell you that everything will be fine will help.

did you know...

armsac.com is a website talking about some ARMS air conditioning service? damn. there goes my plans for total and complete armsac dominationi. we almost had it girls.

but that's not what i wanted to blog about.

my mood really hasn't been the best lately, and while i'm feeling mellow and pretty good right now (i don't really know why) i'm sure the bad feeling i have will come back.

see lately i've been doing a lot of thinking (and we know when me + thinking is involved it never = goodness.)

it might not seem obvious to a lot of people, but i worry a lot. sometimes about serious stuff , other times about stuff that would seem inconsequential. it's just how i am. i worry.

and lately i've just got this feeling in my chest that something bad is going to happen.

i mean maybe it already has. steph's life just looks topsy turvy to me and i can't be there to help her and i don't really know what to say, or even if she needs help. crystal is a lifesaver and when we talk she always makes me feel better. and i rarely talk to mel or ren anymore. i'm not worried about our friendship falling apart, i've already been reassured once that things are fine so that's not what i'm worried about.

it's hard to really describe what i'm worried about.

random before i get back to this topic: i was going to delete the blog i wrote about my pawpaw. while i believe in every word i said and everything about the blog, i didn't feel like it needed to be here. but when i went to delete it i couldn't. maybe it does belong here. i'm not ashamed of my pawpaw so i shouldn't be ashamed of my blog post.

now back to what i was trying to say.

i've been thinking about this friendship that we have all day. how you girls are more than just some people i met online that like the jonas brothers. you know that, we all do. we're best friends and inexplicably, though we're all different, we're the same. we get each other.

and that kind of scares me.

i've never really been one to have friends, and i've been thinking about this even before steph posted her blog about people leaving her. (weird how we kinda think alike huh?) i just got to thinking that maybe when you guys met me in person, no computer screen to hide behind, no typing of "hahahah" to hide my laugh that you guys will understand why i don't have too many friends. that you'll see for real just what kind of loser i am.

it's not like i've lied to you guys about my personality. that would be pretty freaking hard to do. i feel like i know you guys pretty well and i hope you feel the same. but i just worry that once you meet me the whole meetup will be a disaster because you can't wait for me to leave.

and i guess it kind of worries me that the friendships i've made online are the only ones i have now. i don't have will and for too long he was my only friend. yeah i have more friends now (you guys) but like i said that might not last too much longer.

i guess i've come to realize i'm just a loner. i'm sure you've all noticed times when i didn't return an im or didn't reply to a message. i just have these spells where i just don't want to talk to people. it's not that i don't love you guys, it's just i want to be left alone. it's a big part of me and one of the parts of me that makes me think that if it did fall through, and that i lost you guys that i'd be alright. because i've done without friends before.

i really don't know the point of this blog anymore.

i'm rambling and it won't make sense to anybody.

i just don't know much about anything anymore, and it kinda kills me.

i really want to shink this part, but i don't know how. so steph don't kill me for what i'm about to say.

maybe it's best if i don't come to this meetup. it's not like i can afford it anyway.

"Now I'm trying To Find My Way Back Home."

This probably isn't the place for this blog but I have to put it somewhere and I choose here so deal with it. I don't know what has happened to me in the past week. But it's something big I can tell you that much. Because I go from freaking out on Saturday(right?) cause Ryan was in the hospital to asking Ricky to be my valentine and breaking up with Ryan. Which Ricky's answer was 'don't you have a boyfriend?' um i did yea but your Ricky you need to be my valentine seriously. I don't know what caused this change in my feelings, well I sort of do it has to do with someone. Even though I know how ridiculous it is to think that person and I would end up together, or anything of the sort. I have my standards when it comes to boys, and he failed that, barely apparently but he failed still. I can't help it though, he influences my life completely and totally without trying. I let him too, cause I love him. and I shouldn't love him. I don't know I mean I've had this happen once before. But that was Jamie who brought me away from Jess. I mean. Jamie was the boy I dated for two years straight broke up with for three months and dated his cousin, and yet I dated Jamie again, because Jamie was the person I love. I wish I knew why this happens to me, it ruins relationships and I hate that. But it happens and there is nothing I can do about it!

I wish I could say that I was strong enough to realize that Ryan and I were happy, and in love. But even knowing this I still ended it with him. He has Marisole, Marisole who is there in Georgia with him, Marisole who they called when he got hurt, Marisole who has been by his side since the accident. He loved her and I'm sure he still does, they deserve to be happy together.
And I wish that I could say the right thing to convince Matt and Jeff to not leave. But I can't. Matt and Jeff are moving, to a place where they can 'be accepted easier.' Yea right guys your moving to the south, it's not accepted there any easier than it is here. But your leaving, just like everything else.

It's actually pretty much a pattern in my life, I love something, or something loves me and it leaves and then it's over. I had Jamie and he died. I had Jaren and Jaden (twins yea!) and one dumped me, the other got engaged to me and then called me a fucking bitch and never talked to me again, and both left me. I had Ryan(twice) and he left both times, yes I ended it this time but he left both times. My friends are the same way, Juile, Lauren, Chelsie, Matt, Jeff, Sean, China, Mary, Leah, everyone. No one stays. I guess if you love me you have to leave. It's got to be a rule that I didn't know about.

xoxo
Stephani

p.s. my wisdom teeth are growing in, and I am seriously tempted to pull out a few of my teeth.
like the back ten.
seriously.

so

instead of seeing the midnight showing of the jb movie, i'm seeing it exactly twelve hours and thirty minutes later.

i wanted to see the midnight one simply because all the teenies would be in bed.

now i'll have to deal with wide awake ones.

joy.

yes, i'm in a mood.

no, there's nothing wrong.

well

i haven't blogged in a really long time. and i really don't know if this belongs on my personal blog or here. but i'm going to put it here simply because this is the first one i clicked on.

i need to update my personal blog too, but nobody updates it.

first off since i started getting heavily into twitter my phone has kept me super busy. i fall asleep with no messages and this morning i woke up with 35. it makes me feel popular, hahaha. but i love quite a few of the people i follow. (not to mention you two steph and crystal...following you is fun too) i have a lot of people i really admire as people i follow so it's always awesome when you read their twitter updates.

but that's not what i really wanted to talk about.

what? ashley as a purpose for this blog?

well no, not really...but something has been sorta eating at me since last night.

my uncle was going through some of the old stuff in his room and came across an old polaroid. he handed it to me and i almost cried.

it was a picture of me and my pawpaw (that's grandfather for people who don't understand southern talk...is pawpaw just a southern thing?) when i was around 2 months old.

it's not that seeing the picture made me sad, because it wasn't. it was just unexpected. it made me really pause for a while and think about him. i can't believe he's been gone for so long. every year it seems like it hasn't been that long, but i guess it has.

i guess it just upset me because i don't really have a dad and when i was growing up he was more like a dad to me than anyone else ever has, or could have been. my dad screwed up when i was younger when he decided he really didn't want to be around us. now he's trying to talk to me and i ignore his calls. it might be the wrong thing to do and i may regret it, but i don't want him to be in my life. he wasn't there when i needed him.

and my stepdad? well let's just not. okay. there's just something about him that i don't trust. yeah i understand he's supported us with his job and stuff but that doesn't mean a person isn't a skeeze. my mom just doesn't get it.

but anyway, my pawpaw was--is--amazing. i remember the craziest stuff about him. random stuff when i was little like being half asleep and hearing him whisper to my grandma about me before carrying me off to bed. how he would come home when he was working and we would all sit and be quiet, no matter how loud or bad we were two seconds ago. he was funny and he was smart.

he's everything i want to be in a person. he was there for his family and had a strong sense of purpose and self.

and i'm crying like a baby writing this. i def should have posted it on my personal one.

sorry guys.

the hardest part was when he got sick. we (my mom, sister, the cats and her husband (my mom's husband)) lived in mississippi for most of it, but almost every weekend we would come over. i remember hating it sometimes, because i felt like i couldn't have a normal life, going out with friends on the weekends (not that i had any, but still) but i went almost every weekend. and now i'm so glad for it.

it was the worst thing in the world to see this strong person just turn into a shell. i watched him go from super intelligent and able to do anything to being bedridden and not being able to talk.

again, i'm sorry i'm writing this you guys. it shouldn't be here.

i remember the morning he died. it was during the summer (july 2) and we got the call from the hospital that we needed to get up there. we all got in the room just as the sun went up. it was his favorite part of the day. i sat on the couch and watched as he slipped away.

how could i have forgotten just how important he is to me? i mean i know i haven't forgotten but it seems like i never think about him anymore. he helped form so much of who i am that it's ridiculous that i don't talk about him more.

it's ridiculous that he inspires me so much and yet i'm a complete and total failure as a person. don't even say that i'm not.

I'm proud to be your granddaughter, Larry Allen Autrey.

i hope you know that.

Not

I AM NOT ALLOWED TO LOVE HIM.
At least not the way I want too.

blech

ok so i've been feeling emotional and sick to my stomach since like Friday.

and i have no idea why.

and then things happen to my friends.

first there is the thing with Steph's boyfriend.

while i know he's going to be okay it was still a shock.

and now another friend of mine is in the hospital because she tried to break up with her abusive boyfriend.

and there have been multiple times where i've just felt like bursting out crying...

and a few times where i actually have.

and here comes one of those urges again...

gah it sucks and i just want it to end.

okay urge gone for now.

i just feel like i have to get away...

but the only place i could really go is my mom's and while i dislike her...

right about now it isn't such an unappealing thought.

i so wish i could just go to another state or something...

just somewhere far away.

eh i'm done for now...

sorry if i brought any of you down.

just needed to get this off my chest.

<3

Crystal

My Life.

Everything is going down the drains right now. First Jamie now Ryan. Please don't let him die. Please.

xoxo
Stephani

okay guys

once my new phone is up and ready for action i'm gonna be serious about my twitter.

hahaha

that sounds so bad.

anyway, i think you should all join twitter so we can follow each other and do twitter like things.

do it.

Unannounced, your always there in my heart.

Unannounced
Unannounced to the world the brown roots sprout
Unannounced to the world the green leaves grow
Unannounced to the world the colorful bud emerges
Unannounced to the world the beautiful bud blooms
Unannounced to the world the crimson petals swat
Unannounced to the world the orange petals fall
Unannounced to the world the pink blooms crinkle
Unannounced to the world the now brown leaves drip
Unannounced to the world the red closom withers
Unannounced to the world our love breaks



You're Always There in My Heart.

When the moon is bright at night
When the sun is shining in the day
When it's raining or snowing
sleeting or hailing
When i'm awake
When i'm asleep
When i'm at school or home
riding down the street or walking
When i'm with you
When i'm away from you
When i'm sick or when i'm not
When i'm happy or sad
You're always in my heart!

I love these poems!
xoxo
Stephani

Untitled

He looked at me tears in his eyes
As we both dreaded saying our goodbyes
I turned my head to not show my pain
And he held me in the terminal main
'We'll be together soon,' He told me
'By the very next moon,' I reply sweetly
The announcer comes on and says I must leave him there
But at that time I really didn't care
I hug him one last time and kiss his sweet lips
My arms on his neck as his hold my hips
'I love you,' I stutter out before running off
He stands confused for a second before walking off
He watches my plane leave and mutters, 'I love you too'
I see him in my head and smile thinking,'I will always love you'



That poem is my life.

xoxo
Stephani

Um quick question directed at Crystal

Crystal, from the way I'm working it we are gonna get Ashley to come in a few days early.
(Btw ashbash July 7th!)
So I was wondering do you want to come in on July 7th also or would you still like July 11th?
I know random question but either way it's up to you and Richard.
Oh oh oh and and and do you think you could possibly um you know. leave from detriot.
<3>

Ashbash?

Just a question has anyone heard from Ashley in a few days. I keep texting her and not getting an answer and well I'm kind of worried about my best friend. So have you guys heard from her yet.
Also I saw her Jonas Secret today, I love you Ash and I deff commented it legit like three times. Hahah.
You rock you rock on. :)
xoxo
Stephani

The Beginning of the End.

You know what sucks? I'm getting sicker.
ugh.
btw for armsac i think we should have a random day one of the days we are together like flashback day or something random like that. ugh.
nap time. i sleep too much. :(

xoxo
Stephani