CRYSTAL THIS IS YOUR CONCERN NO ONE ELSE LOL

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UPDATED FLIGHT ITINERARY - all flight times are local to each city

TUE Jul 7
American Airlines 4161 - operated by American Eagle
Departs: DETROIT METRO at 940A
Arrives: CHICAGO OHARE at 955A

TUE Jul 7
United Airlines 142
Departs: CHICAGO OHARE at 1028A
Arrives: HARTFORD SPRNGFLD at 133P

WED Jul 22
United Airlines 121
Departs: HARTFORD SPRNGFLD at 1136A
Arrives: CHICAGO OHARE at 115P

WED Jul 22
American Airlines 1514
Departs: CHICAGO OHARE at 335P
Arrives: DETROIT METRO at 600P
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Passenger Name: CRYSTAL WANZY
Passenger Name: RICHARD WANZY


*** PPYFTG

I just need to get this off my chest.

It doesn't have to do with you guys, it has to do with me so you don't have to read it. I promise.
My family is an effin walking talking, breathing bunch of contradictions. And most of them are all about me, those effin contradictions.
I curse too much, according to my grandparents, and yet when anything happens with them it's fucking this, bitch that. I mean come on now if I can't why can you?
My brother says he bet's i can loose twenty pounds(i'm trying legitly) before he gets a 6 pack. My dad thinks I'll gain twenty more.
My grandmother thinks I need to eat more.
You can ask Crystal basically the whole time I was at her house I ate one meal a day. Because I normally don't eat that much. I'll eat something small around lunch time, just a little snack thing, and then have dinner late at night OR I'll eat breakfast and then nothing until late at night once again for dinner. And because my family eats randomly and they NEVER tell me when dinner is done. I usually don't get done with my homework and everything until at least 8:30 9 PM.
My grandfather thinks I eat to much.
My grandmother thinks I spend too much money on stupid stuff and should get out of the house more. My grandfather doesn't care about how much money I spend but he thinks I need to be in the house more.
I am gone one week when my grandparents get home with groceries and I get told 'I got out of it this time'. My brother who doesn't have school that late on Wednesdays is never home EVER and he doesn't have to do anything.
It just bothers me. Legitly bothers me.
xoxo
Stephani

wow.

reading through all of the old blog posts (yes, i know i have no life, thanks for thinking it) really made me inexplicably happy for some reason. yeah there were some blog posts that were sad, some that were stupid, and a few that are downright unnecessary, but reading them made me realize just how close we all are.

reading through them made me realize that you girls would be there for me no matter what. and that really helps me out a lot. you all know by now i'm a worrier. but reading through those blog posts put things into perspective.

so thank you for being amazing. :)

<3

i'm listening to "i'm not over" by carolina liar. i love the song so that's why i'm telling you that.

there's no real purpose to this blog (is there one for any that i write?) so don't come expecting one. :)

i just got off the phone with will. we had a forty minute phone conversation. and honestly, if you subtract the stuff we never used to talk about (the jonas brothers and miley cyrus heyyy) it was exactly like it used to be. it's so weird.

we're not really friends anymore, but we still get each other. and that confuses me. it was fun to talk about starts with a spin and harry draco slash with someone who was there when it all started for me. the memories.

it's so frustrating that we can never really ignore each other, yet we're not friends like we always were. it's better, but i wish i understood it.

listening to bayside and...

thinking. i know, i'm just as shocked at the thinking part as you are. but actually, honestly, i'm not really thinking all that much. i'm sort of taking a break from that. and i know that that's not really smart and if i keep doing it i'll end up going through another massive emotional breakdown again, but just for now, just for today i need to quit.

if you guys actually knew how much i worried about things and overthink everything you'd probably freak out. there's a line from a teddy geiger song that says "everything in life happens twice, the first time's in my mind." or something like that, i don't have my ipod nearby, and like i said before i'm listening to bayside. but it's close to that. but yeah, that line struck a chord with me. because i seriously come up with scenarios for almost every thing i put myself into. when i say hello to someone, what will they say. and then when it actually happens, i always wonder if the response was genuine. i don't know why, but analyze every reaction i get.

and while it might not look like it, i think about my future A LOT. i wonder what my life will be like. when i go to my ten year reunion, will i be a success or just somebody that gets whispered about? am i actually capable of doing anything on my own? half the time i just try to ignore how i feel about things and delve into the land of internet gossip and teenie stuff. it's easier that way.

but last night was sort of a breaking point for me.

i don't know what brought it on, but last night on the car ride home from the movies i spilled it all out to my mom. i told her that i didn't want to be a failure, but i was so afraid to do anything. i told her about my writing fanfic (and she didn't laugh) i told her i wanted to be a writer but i could never write a book. i told her i had the same idea for a book in my head since the ninth grade and she didn't make fun of the idea when i told her about it (even though i kept crying and breaking it up calling it retarded.) she didn't even laugh when i told her that i got a fanfic award on jbf. all the fears i had about telling my mom i wanted and liked to write (regardless of my talent) amounted to nothing. she even said "well you obviously don't suck if people gave you an award for it."

i felt so nauseous and just nervous when i was spilling out all of the worries and concerns i have. i don't even think i can go through it again on this blog just because i'm starting to get antsy and nervous just writing this. i don't know why, but it just happens. which is why i think i hide behind the person you know me as. it's easier than showing you the vulnerable, scared little girl i really am.

that's why i was an emotional wreck last night. and honestly i'm surprised it took me this long to break down.

Quick info finding blog.

Mel are you going to warped in boston with us?
When is everyone arriving (times)?
Mel do you want to just meet us in hartford and go to my house or do you want to go to my house and then to hartford to pick everyone up?


<3
xoxo
Stephani

ps. 73 days

Compared to Ren's Posts this is gonna seem dumb

Pick one of the following colors, and once a color has been picked you can't pick the color. (crystal get ricky to pick one also.)
Pink
Red
Green
Blue
Orange
Yellow
Purple

kkthanks :)
xoxo
Stephani

Flying Free

I've just had somewhat of a revelation. This year, my freshman year of high school, has been particularly tough. No, that's not the epiphany. I've realized that for quite a while now. What I've realized is that I've been a slave to things that I didn't even know had me in bondage. But they have. And for months, it's made me miserable. It's like I've been hungry, craving something...I didn't know what. A solution, a way out, something to fix the problems. 

So I've made the decision to switch schools. I want to try to graduate early, complete high school in three years instead of four. I've separated myself from people that I felt were dragging me down. Yet, at the end of the day, I still felt restless, and I couldn't figure out why. I prayed to God to just take away those feelings because I couldn't figure out why they kept coming back. I was happy one day a week--on Sunday. At church, I felt a warmth, and a fellowship, and the people around me were willing to put up with me and I just loved being there. Of course I still do.

I found my solace in music. The one thing that I can turn to when I need to get the emotion out. And I'm becoming more and more devoted for it. With all the singing I do, including practicing, I sing approximately twenty hours a week. I'm a more dedicated musician because I've found that it isn't just tedious practice. It means so much more than that. And this year, I've begin to live through my music. It's how I work, it's how I play, how I laugh, cry, and worship. Everything I do I've found I love doing it that much more when I do it through music. And it's sort of turned my world upside down.

But still, music is an art, and artists get frustrated. It isn't a science, and you're so emotionally connected...and you get fed up and ready to throw in the towel, despite how much you love it. And I've been there quite a few times this year because I have thrown myself so wholeheartedly into it. I've been pushing myself farther, seeing what I can do, how far I can go.

So when it came time to choose a solo for the Chorus Dinner Theatre, I made what I think some viewed as an unexpected move. I knew I wanted to do something from Wicked. I love the show, the music, the scenery, the themes, all of it. It's just so full of magic and there are so many messages you can get out of watching and listening to it.

I'd been over one of the more well-known songs from the show, Popular, with my voice teacher a few months previously. It's a cute song, very girly and flouncy, and a lot of fun...just to be silly. But I know that would've been taking the easy road for me. Another girl has now chosen that song, and it suits her perfectly in a way I never could've performed it.

There were only a few other solo numbers from the show that really fit the requirements I had. My range, the overall sound, and what I could manage to pull off in the time I had.

....But I went with the toughest choice from the show.

The song is called Defying Gravity. For those who don't know, Wicked is a musical based off of a book which tells the story of the Wicked Witch of the West and how she's not really wicked at all. And this song...Defying Gravity. It is her anthem. It's the big, show-stopping finale the the first act. This is when Elphaba (the Wicked Witch of the West) is at the climax of her story. She has made it to see the Wizard of Oz. It wasn't what she thought it would be, and she's decided that she can't pretend to be something she's not. She can't look the other way when she sees something that is wrong in her eyes. And this, this is when, she proclaims that she is done with letting other people dictate how she lives. And it's the end and the beginning. It's the end of her willingness to just do what someone says. It's the beginning of Elphaba as who she truly is....who the rest of Oz sees as being wicked.

It's a big song.

Obviously.

I chose it because of course I love the song. The first time I heard it, I got shivers...absolute goosebumps, and seeing it live was an unbelievable experience.

And I had something to prove. There are people who underrate me. I've been in the same place with the same people that I've been reduced to a cookie cutter shape. I'm just who other people see me as, the role I've always played. They see me as the smart one, the walking reference book. Or the classical singer who does opera, and it's kind of scary to everyone else because...that's just not "normal" music and winning American Idol has never been my goal. 

And I wanted to prove my point. I wanted to show everyone that I'm not just what they think I am. And I am capable of more than what people see on the surface. And if you know me, you know that when I'm determined to do something, dagnabit, it gets done. And so this was my goal. I wanted to sing Defying Gravity. And I wanted to knock the socks off of people.

It's not an easy song. At all. The range is absolutely huge, the rhythm gets tricky, and it has to be high energy. But not any sort of easy to fake, peppy, happy energy. It has to come off with intensity or the song doesn't mean what it's supposed to.

I have worked on this song for a long time. Over three months. For the past three weeks, I have been eating, breathing, sleeping this song. It's stuck in my head constantly, and I go around singing it under my breath from class to class.

And then last week, I was told that the chorus director wants me to sing it during a set of student performances  at assembly next week. That's when I started freaking out a little bit. Sure, it's what I wanted, right? The chance to prove everyone wrong, to show them what I could be. 

Every spare minute of the past week has been spent looking over this music. The tempo, the vowels, the resonance needed, the dynamics...all of it, just trying to piece it all together. 

But while doing this, I've done what I always do.

I lose myself to the technical aspects of singing and I'm forgetting why I sing at all.

And I've been so nervous about singing this. And my goal was to set out to prove everyone wrong about who I was, and I was so scared that by doing this, if I messed up, all I would do was prove them right.

But then I was talking to Mel while I was having one of these meltdowns, not that long ago. And she said something that kind of knocked me out of whatever silly daydream I was in. I told her why I was scared. And she said that I'd never know until I tried.

And this really struck me. In sort of a strange place.

Do you want to know why? 

Because these are the lyrics to the second verse

I'm through accepting limits 

'cause someone says they're so 

Some things I cannot change 

But till I try, I'll never know! 

Sort of odd, don't you think?

And I had a total wake up call. And I told Mel all of this, as I started to ramble somewhat incoherently. I was singing the song, and I wasn't letting it touch my heart at all. I wasn't singing what I felt, which is wrong in so many ways. I'm singing these words, and even though my goal all this time has been to bare what I feel to people, I haven't meant every ounce of every dyanmic, pitch, lyric. Not the way I'm supposed to.

And the whole point of this song is about letting go and being yourself and feeling free and not letting other people tell you what to do, what to say, how to act, how to live your life. But by getting so worked up about how it's going to sound, what kind if impression it's going to make, the way it's going to "make or break" me as a singer, I'm contradicting myself in so many ways. This performance...this isn't an opportunity to gain validity as a singer. This is an opportunity to other people know what I've been thinking, feeling, going through for months on end now and showing people what is rooted deep within me. And not what I'm capable of as a musician, a singer, but as a person, but as someone who strives to be a better person everyday. 

This isn't my chance to step it up as a voice student, a member of the chorus, or even a student of this private prep school. This is my chance to step up as a young girl, young woman, wherever you want to put me and to be truthful with myself and others. I should've known from the start that this is all about instinct and emotion.

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes

And leap

So I feel like with what I've realized because of this song, I found the answer. Just like the theme at church a couple of weeks ago, "Slave Free Sunday", where the youth promoted their desire to free enslaved children, as Harry Reese spoke (R.I.P---we miss you <3),>

I was a slave to a reputation. I was a slave to determination. But I'm so ready to be free of it, to disregard what other people say about me. I just want to be me, to live without worrying and watching my every move. I want to live and love and feel and work and play freely. I want to defy gravity, I want to forget about outshining, outdoing what others expect out of me, I want to work to outshine myself, to always be better, everyday to be more true to myself, to do what I believe in, to be who I am with no restraint.

It's my own end and new beginning. It's time to try defying gravity.

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the 

Rules of someone else's game.

Defying Gravity

Every Move I Make Feels Lost With No Direction

So, I had this totally awful day, and I was going to let off a lot of steam here in an attempt to make me feel better. But I've decided it wasn't even worth it. Mel and I were talking earlier about Miley Cyrus's song The Climb. And so this is my interpretation of that song. It's acoustic...just piano and vocals. No other effects. And even though it's not a very good cover, somehow, just for some strange reason, it means something to me.

The Climb-Piano Acoustic

EDIT: Version with better vocals.

The Climb- Piano Acoustic (Revised)

It's In the Way <3 <3

So this isn't as much of a blog post as it is shamless self-promotion and plugging. I apologize. I can't help it. This is a song I wrote. One I actually really like. And I'm working on cutting it so it actually sounds decent. This is what I have so far, I've produced a rough cut up to the end of the first chorus, the rest of it is just some sound effects I was messing around with and the recording of me and my guitar. But please download and listen. :D Everyone. I'm so shameless. XD

It's In the Way

Whatever. I'm over it all.

This may sound weird but

I'm tired of planning things. Of getting everyone here for the summer, of figuring out where we are staying, and what we are doing. I was once a care free kid who did nothing ever, except play on the computer and go to work/school. But then I met you guys and we decided to get together. I drove 18 hours to see Crystal in Michigan. And I had three awesome days there with her and Richard. I drove an hour to see Mel so we could see Twilight and it was awesome. I had so much fun. (MARLEY ALMOST KEELED ME!) Now I'm planning on getting Ash here for this summer. her mom nixed my i pay for one of her tickets deal. So i suggest greyhound which is the price of ONE plane ticket for her, for her to ride a bus both ways. but because it's over a day long on a bus 'she doesn't think she can.' Ugh. I'm venting this anger here for no reason but seriously I'm trying and it's getting me no where. Since you seem to have decided so long ago that you weren't coming why keep getting my hopes up? Why let me spend money to have stuff for you when you get here (ie jonas ticket)? Why tell me 'I'll pay you for that when I come for the summer.' if you don't mean it. ugh. i'm just annoyed.
xoxo
stephani

(ps i love you ash i'm just not having a good day and i've been arguing with you about this since i woke up.)

I do too much and too little at the same time.

It's weird. I've been cutting back on being on my computer, not because I don't love my computer I do. But because I believe I spend too much time on it. Well lately, mainly this past week I've been having problems with posting my schoolwork. I've posted three things later... well counting the stuff i have to post yesterday that i'm posting today five. but ugh. it bothers me.
xoxo
Stephani.

ps ash way to use a horrrrible picture of me.

<3

true story.

Random I know, and I know I just posted also

But us CAMS...Um..SAMC...Ugh. Mel, Ash, Crystal and Me we need to talk.
1. We need to talk about plans for ARMSAC, my gram told me and i'm quoting her here 'i hope you have your laptop wherever you are.' oh yea we're not suppose to stay at my house the whole time eff.
2. Ash Crys and I need to talk about moving in together, if Mel wanted too also that would be chill. We just, we need to talk about it.
3. We just need to talk, we also need renners. cause i love her. and never talk to her if we aren't in ARMSAC chats anymore.
4. It's pouring and I hate it, and i'm sick and ugh.
5. nap time!!!!
6. i just barfed in my mouth a little. http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/ check it

xoxo
Stephani

The Tale Of A Pedophile.

The story that started my friendship with Mel, Ash and Crystal was started a year ago today. It's kind of amazing to me. It's been a year Mel & Ash since we've been friends, which means it's been almost a year since Crystal became our friend too. And almost a year since Ren was my friend, she knew Mel and Ash before me.
I can't believe it.

A YEAR!!!!

xoxo
Stephani

dawned on me

You know what dawned on me like 7 hours ago?

Tomorrow is an important day for me kinda.

It will be the one year anniversary of when I joined JBF.

Meaning it's been a year pretty much since I've been friends with most if not all of you girls.

That is incredible to me.

As a matter of fact as I write this, I'm rereading Laws.

If I remember correctly that is one of the first stories that I commented on.

I have no idea what compelled me to join JBF a year ago (tomorrow).

I mean I could have totally just read stories on there and not commented on how much I like/love the story.

Yet I didn't.

For whatever reason I joined and had to share my love for some of the stories that I read.

I have to admit that I'm very happy that I did.

Because if I hadn't, I never would have met any of you amazing girls of ARMSAC.

Or any of the other amazing girls that I have become friends with on that site.

So happy anniversary to me, because that faithful day a year ago changed my life by allowing me to get to know you girls and gain you as best friends.

No scratch that, by gaining you as sisters.

Love you girls.

~*Crystal

oh. my. god.

so i have another idea.

how about we have a "reality" show at armsac.

meaning we all perform these little scripted episodes and make it seem like a real reality show. we could do the episode filming all in one day or stretch it out over the entire time.

i have an idea for it and i'd be willing to write the scripts (because all reality shows are scripted) if we're into doing it.

hahhaha

While I love Online College I realize.

I would rather be normal, go to school normal hours and have normal exams. Opposed to writing a paper for my class and hoping that my writing skills which are far from good are good enough to let me pass the class. I just looked at my schedule for when I was going to school to see when my next classes were and stuff like that. Well. I have classes straight through June of 2010. I don't even have a summer break. Which means during ARMSAC I'm going to be doing homework three nights a week, at least. Of course my homework during ARMSAC is easy I'll be in math and diversity classes then. I'm good at math and diversity shouldn't be a problem. But at the beginning, and for a majority of ARMSAC I'll be in Physcology and Life Science. I don't want to have to spend hours away from you guys doing homework. Of course if I was with you guys it would take just as long but still. I don't know I kind of feel like this isn't for me. I was never cut out for college. I never will be. Yea I kind of want to be a teacher but i'd be much happier just doing something artistic for a change, sewing, drawing anything really. As long as it doesn't mean school. I can't tell my grandparents I want to quit it. Because if I do they will kick me out of the house and I have no where to go. I want to do something wiht my life, it's just not someting that most people want to teach me, or have me be taught.
I want to learn how to draw faces on people and have them look okay, opposed to looking like well weird monsters.
I want to learn how to play guitar and read music, because even after a year in band/chorus I still can't and I think that hurts my singing.
I want to be able to paint things that matter to other people, to know that what i'm painting means something to someone, even when it means nothing to me.
I just want so much.
But you don't always get what you want.

xoxo
Stephani

...

I honestly can’t remember ever feeling this worn out.
And it’s not the kind of thing that happens all at once, like pulling an all-nighter and then being tired the next day. No, this is gradual and prolonged, which makes it a bit worse, I think. I have to get up relatively early each weekday for class, which wouldn’t be the worst if I didn’t stay up late to finish homework and other things that I couldn’t during the day. And it’s not even that late, but it’s starting to catch up with me. Then the weekend rolls around and I can’t sleep in then because I have rehearsal each day from 9-12 for Scrubs. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love it. But they are quite grueling. The show itself is only half an hour, so we can run through it multiple times. That gets exhausting.
So I find myself eagerly waiting for Easter weekend, so I can go home and relax. But that’ll be one day of relaxing—Sunday we’ll be up early to go to breakfast at the grandparents’ house. Then it’s back to school.
This past weekend was a nightmare. In order to juggle seeing my sister in her high school play and making it to rehearsal, I made the hour and a half drive to or from UConn four times—either driving myself or with someone pissed off at all the traffic or fighting with his twin sister. Come Sunday afternoon, as I was waiting to head back to school with my friends, I was sprawled out on my parent’s bed, too tired to even answer my mom’s questions with anything more than a mumble. She was genuinely interested about the show.
I wouldn’t mind it so much if I were just tired. But I find myself getting ridiculously irritable over the stupidest things. Case in point, I got home from a long work shift and dance rehearsal last night intending to study my butt off for a few hours for the exam I have this morning. I just wanted to spread out my books and get to work so I could get to bed, but my roommate and friend from another building ‘sshed’ me as soon as I walked in. They then spent the next hour giggling and standing at the door in the darkened room, listening to a couple have an argument out in the hall. Ordinarily I would have been joking with them, but I plugged in my headphones and tuned them out, wanting very badly to ask if they wanted me to leave so they could enjoy their silly, giggling gossip and spying in peace.
That’s not me. I’m lacking patience, motivation, appetite, and energy to do anything, and I know it’s only a matter of time before I lash out at someone I love. I don’t want that. I need to do something about this.
The one thing I keep telling myself is—five weeks till summer. Five weeks till sleeping in, not having to rush off place, and an amazing week of Jonas and ARMSAC.
Now, I’m off to take an exam that I am grossly unprepared for.

Later.

well i might as well say stuff over here too

so yesterday for the first time in a while i hung out at my mom's. for the most part she was asleep and i watched tv, but when she was awake we talked and i came to realize something important:

i miss brookhaven.

not brookhaven really, but some of the things i did there. for so long i was drifting in brookhaven with no real purpose.

but then constant reform came. i mean i'd known these guys since high school. i'd worked with sam for years and i'd hung out at their house. i'd gotten drunk and partied and broke into abandoned houses with them. they were friends of mine and i honestly loved the odd, sometimes unclean, hilariously bad-mouthed boys. so when they decided to actually form a band using their talent i was stoked. and they were great.

they wanted to play a show. just so they could get a feel for it. and that's how it all got started.

constant reform's first show was at atwood. a tiny place. the only people there were a few friends and the families of the guys. it was a free show and they did really well.

but the feeling i got for throwing a successful show was something i didn't want to give up. i mean my mom did most of the work but together we planned something really special.

pause.

i think i always loved the feeling of going to a show. i'd been to two or three before we started doing them, and it was always a blast.

unpause.

"managing" constant reform soon became a pastime of mine and my mom's. my boss agreed to record an e.p. for them and i would listen to their stories about being in the studio. i'd be with them a lot of the time and my mom was busy getting them slots into the battle of the bands at a club in jackson and getting them a slot at the atwood music festival. they ALMOST won battle of the bands and they were amazing at atwood.

but that wasn't enough for me and my mom.

we found a place we could rent to throw shows, and immediately i was useful in contacting some bands i'd seen before and asking them if they wanted to play. we had shaken almost at every show, fox chase drive played one (<3) and cain's fury was there too. we had other bands i didn't know personally but were amazing. the names and faces of people started getting familiar and we seriously enjoyed hosting shows.

putting on a show isn't as easy as it sounds. the work starts about two months before the actual show. we have to contact bands, get them confirmed, plan and organize and then confirm again. the two days before a show are always nerve-wracking.

but it always pays off. when you have a band happy to be there and people at the show you planned, enjoying themselves and having fun, it's the greatest thing in the world. even if you can't really sit back and enjoy the show (because you're running the concessions, guarding the entrance, or just running around helping bands set up) you still get the feeling that you've done something great.

somehow, in some magical way we were starting to help breathe life into brookhaven's music scene. and it was brilliant.

the e.p. came out and was a huge success. we sold every stinkin' one of them. the boys quickly went back into the studio to begin recording their full length album.

and that's when things started to go awry a little.

for the battle of the bands and a show here and there, the boys had found a drummer, dean. he was a funny guy. older, married with two kids and he seemed to have his head on his shoulders. he just wanted to rock out and help the boys.

with dean they went from awesomely acoustic to hardcore, rock sounding heroes. i loved them either way, but dean really added something to the sound.

and then... he got arrested.

they lost dean, and with it seemed to lose a lot of momentum. they didn't feel like constant reform could be as amazing as they were with him.

and with him, they were amazing. but they didn't let themselves see the fans that loved them for who they were, acoustic or hard.

this story is going in and out of the sequence of events, and you probably quit reading half an hour ago, but i have to get this out.

i've never been as proud of them as i was the night of the ole brook festival. my boss let me leave work early so i could go see them and i rushed there just in time to see them for a few minutes before they had to get onstage.

it seemed like every single person rushed the stage to see constant reform, my boys, perform. the crowd was hyped and the boys got an energy they'd never gotten before. the performance was THE MOST amazing performance that year at ole brook, and everyone knew it.

and then, of course since they were at the top, things had to go downhill from there. they lost dean, lost the momentum.

chris and timmy left the band for cain's fury since eric was beginning to become the whiny, melodramatic person he always tried to hide.

we had one last show. i can't really remember the date, but it's the one show that really changed everything.

it was going to be great. there was a huge crowd (by our standards anyway, but shaken said it was a big crowd so i'm gonna take their word for it) and it started off without a hitch.

and then constant reform refused to play.

all the momentum we'd built up, all the work my mom and i did for them was basically shoved in our faces as eric said he just couldn't play.

without them, each of the bands took home over 100 dollars that night. that was the biggest show we'd ever done.

but the enjoyment and satisfaction wasn't there.

in the middle of this the boy's album came back and i was in the liner notes as a thank you. i appreciated it then and i appreciate it now, but thinking about the shows it doesn't even hold a candle to the thanks that i or my mom should receive.

that year we brought constant reform out of obscurity and into something special. and they threw it all away.

i love them, and i will always love them. but i'm over my need to help them now.

but talking about this with my mom and typing it here i've come to realize that i really loved the feeling of putting on a show and seeing it unfold. it was the greatest thing in the world to help bands and to just be in the moment.

and i miss that more than i ever thought i would.