do what you want to do

i realized you cut me out of your life before you made it back to your house. and you know what i was fine with it. because i don't need a friend who gets mad at me for something stupid and then decides to cut me out of their life for the same fucking thing.
you say i don't listen to you but how do you listen to me? because no one ever does and i know that for a fact. if you listened my gram wouldn't have driven you all to the beach when i was planning on doing that the next day. but as i got yelled at for 'i wasn't going to do it.' if you listened you would know that i like pink more than blue. that i am physically and mentally abused to this day and have been since i was ten. you would know that i put up the hard fucking shell so that people couldn't get to me. you would know i don't cry or show most emotions because people can use them against me. and you would know that you are the only friend i have ever had who has made me cry because they hurt me. yea other friends have made me cry, but mainly because of something sad, never because of my feelings before.
you used me despite thinking you didn't. I paid for every single bit of gas in my car, over two hundred fucking dollars so that you could go to every concert you wanted to go to. I paid for your ticket to jonas, and honor society, and for you to meet honor society. I paid for parking to a concert I really didn't want to go to because you did. I paid for food for you, my family paid for food for you. We did every fucking thing that you and the others wanted to do. Because you were the guest at our house. So you used me to see bands you liked, movies you liked, animals you liked, people you liked. That's how you fucking used me, because you didn't pay for everything yourself.
If I had a choice I would have gone to one of the fucking concerts we went to. Warped tour. We were there for two fucking hours and then you all decided to fucking leave. I hadn't seen a single band I had wanted to see. But oh we can't stay because you all didn't want to. That's bullfuckingshit. I paid for those tickets, yes I didn't pay for yours but I paid for the others and if I had known we were going to go for two fucking hours, I wouldn't have wasted time driving there. Because we sat in traffic for longer than we were at the show.
You are the reason that I don't have anywhere to live, because I didn't do a single thing you wanted. Which is a lie. I went to the fucking Castle and had fun there, because you wanted to see a Castle and all you did is complain the whole time, because 'the castle was too small. this walk is not good for me. I need to sit down.' Oh yea I paid for that too.
And I didn't even want you to pay me back for any of that, because I was just so fucking excited that you were going to be here.
I love how we focus on my negativity.
And not on the fact that I tried to be nice to you all the time, and you made fun of me, of my voice, of how I said certain words. Yes I did call you a hick at times, mainly in the beginning but it was always in a joking manner, you meant it. and said it to hurt me. I stopped though you didn't. I never once commented on your fucking attitude when you had a problem I never once said you were being a bitch to someone and yet you did a lot.
You talk about how I treat people and yet you do the same fucking thing all the time. You threaten the lives of the people you live with when we are on the phone, or through text or twitter. I'm not the only one who has heard it or seen it and I know I'm not. I don't do that, and I won't because I actually like my family, yes we might not get along all the time but they are my family, and truth be told if I wasn't trying to protect myself from you the whole time you were here I wouldn't have been mean to them. My grandmother is actually one of my best friends and truthfully I'm glad you don't hold that title, at least not anymore.
And you seem to fucking think that your my only fucking friend and the only person I can be mad at. I'll let you in on a secret I have friends outside of the internet. And I can be mad at them too. Just because you think my life revolves around you, doesn't mean it's true. The delete from my life comment wasn't for you, but you take things out of context and how you want to. You always have, just like the night you hung up on me because 'i was making fun of your accent' even though I was just talking.
I know what I said to Crystal was wrong even though it was said through twitter and not directed at anyone really. And we talked about it, because that's what people do, they don't just delete connection to other people. But you didn't actually try and talk to me, not after you called me a bitch if I remembered correctly you ignored me until I had to bring you to the airport. I was going to give you a hug goodbye and apologize for being mean those last days and you just looked at me said 'you don't like hugs' and walked away. that right then was when I knew there was no friendship there anymore.
Sure I don't care about people, so me freaking out when you passed out was me not caring. So me making sure that you made it back to your house safe was me not caring. So me crying my eyes out because my best friend, well now former best friend, just called me a bitch is me not caring. So me not wanting to go home because I knew that you weren't going to be there was me not caring. So me caring enough to make sure that you had your seatbelt on in case of an accident is me not caring. So me making sure that you have water to drink because you did pass out once and I didn't want to have to go through that again is me not caring. So me stopping every time you guys wanted food, or something to drink or anything like that is me not caring.
This is my last post on this blog, I'm never visiting JonasBug again so Crystal it's all yours. and you know what I don't care if you have a problem with me. I quit our friendship, which I'm happy to say doesn't exist. I'll probably never talk to any of you again. And I'm sorry I don't want it to end like this. But my life needs to just start over. And I can't do that with you all. I love each and every one of you, even Ashley even though she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. But I need to stop acting like I'm still a teenager and get on with my life, without you.
Goodbye.
Stephani


You left some shit at my house by the way, but since we're not friends anymore, I guess I'll just burn it.

i wasn't going to do this.

i debated for a long while whether or not i would make this post. whether or not i'd actually be able to write this in hopes you'd read this and actually LISTEN to what i want to say to you. i wasn't going to do this here, but i don't know where else it could go.

to me writing a blog to you here is just like what you do through twitter. it involves people who shouldn't be in the middle of things and it's public and just immature. but you never listened to me when i tried to talk. instead you'd make fun of me or ignore me, choosing to twitter your insults and jibes instead of coming to me to sort out our problems. so i know me writing this blog is immature, but sometimes if you can't beat them you have to join them, at least for a little while.

pretty much from the start you've always chosen me as your victim. like a middle school bully sizing up the playground, you could probably see that i would be hurt by your insults, but like the insecure person i am i'd take them longer without fighting back. the time has come for me to fight back, but i'm not going to attack you like you do me.

i realized i called you a bitch. honestly, you were acting like one. when you get upset because a BOARD GAME isn't going your way, how are you going to handle the real world? people lose, shit happens. we get over it and move on. i'm not sorry i called you a bitch, so if you're looking for an apology about that you're wasting your time. you've called me much worse, so let's not even go there.

if i said it once, i've said it a million times: it's hard for me to make friends. i guess that's why i took your shit for so long. even though it hurt me when you made fun of me, called me names, and just in general acted like you hated my very existance, i still wanted to be your friend just so i could say i had one. but i can't do that anymore.

don't get me wrong, some of the times we've had were awesome, and there were moments you were a great person. but then your evil side pops out and i'm reminded just why i have to do this.

you told me once you would do anything for your friends because we were all you have. if that's true then why do you treat us this way? at this moment i'm not only talking about myself here. the day of the honor society show i saw another side of you...the worst yet. you took something we all thought was so generous and amazing and turned it into something awful. we all know our friend couldn't have came without you and YOUR GRAM helping her, but friends don't use that as a guilt trip. trust me, she knows how much this is and i know for a fact it meant so much to her. using that as a way to upset her pissed me off. it really, really helped me come to this decision.

i also don't get how i "used" you. if you think you're the better person, that's fine. i'm done fighting and arguing with you. this will probably be my last post on the armsac blog simply because i don't know how we'll all last through this. but i genuinely want to know how i used you. i paid my own way, i bought everything myself. yes i used you in the sense of being in the same car as you when we went places, but what is that really? carpooling? it's good for the environment you know.

i wish you could see how you treat people. i know i'm far from perfect, but i always try to treat a person like they matter. i don't think you even realize how horrible you are to your family. they have to love you, but that doesn't mean they like you.

so this is what it finally comes down to. like you say, i'm "deleting you" from my life. i'm tired of living in negativity and lately that's all you've brought. the vacation was great at times, but a little bad too.

i'm sorry it came to this, but until you learn how to treat people, i can't be around you.

goodbye.

We drove three hours just for Ashley to pass out.

Crystal goes to bed at 10:30.
I leave the living room at 1:30 go to my room.
Go to bed at like 2:30.
Ashley & Ricky go to bed sometime.
I wake up at 8 AM. Less than six hours sleep.
Crystal wakes up at like 9:30.
Ashley at like 10.
I get breakfast made by my gram :]
Crystal & Ash get breakfast too!
Richard wakes up.
Eats breakfast.
& falls back asleep.
Watch movie til 1:30.
Get dressed.
Leave at like two.
Drive three hours, really madly to Jones Beach New York.
Arrive an hour early. FML.
Stand in line for an hour.
Ashley eats French Fries the rest of us just stand around.
Comment on the conversation the girls behind us were having.
Zac Efron look a like in line in front of us.
Without the butt :[
Get inside.
walk to the stage.
Stand bored.
Days Difference, they are cute.
They play four songs.
I try not to laugh.
Push Play, they are cute.
Windblown (or some shit like that) [aka derek]
The gay one [ceejay]
& the other two.
they were good. I sang along :]
We call Meg and let her listen for about a minute.
Standing waiting watching Cartel set up.
Ashley falls to the ground.
A.K.A. she passes out behind me.
My heart freaks the fuck out.
I was the only one who saw it, Ricky & Crystal were in front of me.
My mind goes
"SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT"
I smack Ricky to get him to turn around.
Ashley hit her head, her glasses flew off and she took out like three other people.
I'm still freaking out.
She opens her eyes.
Sits up.
Someone hands her water, she drinks some.
Someone else gives her back her glasses.
She tries to stand.
They tell her to stay down.
Fucking freaking the hell out still.
Someone asks if she has diabetes.
Ashley replies, "No I'm just fat."
People have been screaming for security & shit.
No one comes.
Other security guards tell people to move and for her to walk over to the barrier.
She stands up, with help from Ricky & me & then walks over.
They help her over as the paramedic & two more security guards arrive.
She tells us to stay where we are.
WTF. No.
Follows over to the back of the barrier where she is.
They put her in a wheel chair.
Ricky hits a security guard multiple times asking if she's okay.
He says yes.
They start to wheel her the fuck away & I follow after weaving through the stupid fuckers sitting on the ground.
Ricky & Crystal follow.
My heart is fucking racing. RACING.
To the point of I think I'm going to have a heart attack.
We kind of race after the wheelchair, that fucker walked wayyy to fast.
I'm repeatedly saying.
"I'm going to cry."
They wheel her to the first aide place.
We walk inside & sit down.
It's fucking hot in there.
we walk outside, cause they wheel her outside.
Crystal goes to get a Days Difference t-shirt.
I'm still freaking out.
Ashley's making more jokes about being fat & shit.
"Address?"
"1400 Maple Dr. Winfield, LA."
....
"Where's that?"
Yes that did happen.
Then ashley's like.
"I wish I had a cool scar from it or something."
I want to smack her.
The paramedic calls her hardcore.
*glares*
her & the paramedic bond.
I twitter.
It goes like this.
"Ashley just passed out. Shit Shit Shit."
Ashley is still bonding.
I realize Crystal is still gone
"Where is she I don't need another one getting hurt!"
She's walking back.
I'm okay.
She got a cool shirt.
My heart is still flying.
The paramedic asks what she's had to eat today
"Um Eggs, toast ham & fries."
"For lunch?"
"Fries."
He glares at me, like seriously wtf she's twenty years old she can fucking feed herself.
& She had the most to eat out of all of us yesterday.
"We can stay."
UM NO Ashley we can't.
Ashley & Crystal try to convince us we can stay.
UM NO!
Ricky and I have decided we are leaving. Sorry.
They both try to convince us again.
NO.
End of story. (about staying not end period)
We leave and go to wendy's.
Get food & Drinks.
Ashley eats one chicken nugget & drinks her large lemonade.
I eat most of my food, Crystal eats most of her food, Ricky eats his food oh & everyone's left overs & drinks part of my drink.
I am now breathing normally.
Stop at a gas station to get Ricky cigarettes (& me) & get crystal 'pop' & ashley gum.
"I'm at a gas station in New York"-Ashley
"Would you like any more cigarettes"- Indian guy (after he handed me three fucking packs.)
[Um no. I don't smoke that much, richard might though]
start on the way to Mel's house.
Annoying drive, my phone dies multiple times, Richard has to hold it and tell me directions.
We get to Mel's house & tell her what happened & stuff.
Ashley goes,
"Yea I remember seeing spots and then looking at the ground."
"I don't remember anything else except someone handing me water and then them lifting me over the barrier, I wasn't being any help at all."
"It was awesome."
I swear she wanted me to die. Then she starts to plan it so next time she passes out she can freak them all out.
I'm like NO.
DO NOT.
WTF.
We plan on stealing stuff from Melissa.
:]
sleep for the most part.
Ricky stays awake for the most part.
Locks himself out of the house at like 2 am.
hahahaha.
he calls four people including one of my va friends. :]
Mel wakes up and lets him in.
He walks into the room at one part & I tell him to go to sleep.
He finally goes to sleep at like 5 am.
I wake up at 7 am.
Walk out of the room.
say hi to mel's dad.
walk back into the room
fall back asleep.
Ricky manages to always fall asleep where he can kick me.
I do not like this.
Wake up like four more timess.
Before at 9 am. someone forces me awake *glares at crystal*
Spray Ricky with High school musical body spray.
Leave mel's.
Drive for like an hour.
get gas, & then go to Burger King.
They have jonas shit.
grab like six crowns.
Oh & steal a Joe Jonas gift card, I was not putting money on it.
Eat.
Leave.
drive back home.
Yea :]
the end.

I love being the only one who can see other people's drafts.

hahha this really has nothing to do with that but I hit a button when trying to get a new post (this thing hates me!!) and saw the drafts and stuff. Usually I'll read them and then decided if they need to be deleted or just left alone. Like the ones that just have a title and have been here for a month go bye bye. but the ones that were just posted and have a shizz load of stuff to them stay. There are two that come to mind to me that were in the 'stay group' both by Ren believe it or not. The first one is the first blog Ren ever started to write on here. She was talking about us all and then stopped at me, made a comment about me being the girl with five colors in her hair. And the second one was from not to long ago and it's do so many different song titles in it. But that's not about this.

It's officially 7:23 and like 32 seconds in Connecticut right now (which means most of you are also experiencing it being 7:2... oh darn 7:24.) and that means that in just over five hours. I'm going to have best friend time with three of the greatest people ever. And then we have to wait an hour for Ashley to come, but hey we can chill out and make plans about how to be mean to her. JK lol. You know we are totaly normal for the most part but then again we totally aren't. & yes ashley your sign does say hickcicle on it.
I'm watching tv and trying to think about anything else. my heart is like eep. epp. epppppp. but yea i think i'll just thing of breakfast and my awesome hair (it's not actually green but Crystal thought it was. I have a green wig lol but i'm going to the airport wearing it.)
this is going to be insane. I remember when there were 272 days until ARMSAC. I remember when Ashley sent in her jonassecret about it, like the day before we changed the day that everyone was coming in. I remember when we had thought half would be at my house, and half at Mels. I remember everything it's insane.
I remember meeting Crystal for the first time, and I do mean that. I remember I was standing at the end of her driveway talking to her on the phone. Ricky, Kevin and Crystal all came out side and Ricky & Kevin spotted me Crystal did not. She asked where I was and Ricky was like RIGHT THERE. hahahh :]
I rememeber meeting Mel for the first time too. I was at the movie theater waiting and we had been texting each other and then she pulled in. We both got out of our cars, I was just hoping it was her and she was looking for me. She texted me when I was standing right in front of her. that right there is one of my best friends. hahah I love you Melisssa <3
and now I'm meeting Ashley for the first time. I'm pretty sure she is gonna hate me every once and a while but it will be worth it. I kinda need to wash my car right now. So maybe i'll do that after I have breakfast.

YEA

xoxo
SinfulStephani

it's about time.

no, i'm not going to talk about the jonas cd. in fact, i probably won't mention jonas at all after this part right here or if i do it will be about the concerts or something. bleh.

instead, i just needed to take a minute to really reflect on the things that are about to take place.

i believe what i tweeted earlier. if you had told me a year ago that i'd be meeting stephani, melissa, crystal, and i don't even know if i knew him at the time but i'm including him in this sentence - ricky, i would have laughed and worked on a chapter of whatever fic i was writing at the time. it didn't seem logical. firstly i hadn't been friends with you guys for very long, secondly we had no idea our friendship would be so solid for a year, and thirdly we've already established how much of a big scaredy cat i am.

but here it is. it's 10:25 p.m. at this very second and in three and a half hours or so i'll be heading to alexandria. in another few i'll be headed off to hartford.

it's so surreal in a way simply because nothing like this has ever happened to me before. i've packed, i've planned, and i've thought about these two weeks for FOREVER, but it wont' be real to me even when i'm on the plane. i actually think it might hit me when i see you guys. don't be surprised if i cry. because i'm just so amazed that this is happening.

i just needed a minute to just...emote hahaha what i'm feeling.

yay armsac!

My schedule so far.

July6-NO WORK yeaaa(aka cleaning my room. oops)

7-Sleeping for a really long time & then girls.

8- Work til noon. then six flags & or something else with Marina & Brittany.

9- work til 1 then ?

10-no work.

11- work til 1(ithink?) then?

12- ummmm.

13-work then new york then mels

14-no work, drving back from mels

15-work :[ (most likely harry potter at midnight)

16-work than the cab

17-jonas

18-jonas

19-(little sister's birthday)

20-nowork

21-warped

22-bye bye :[
That's of course all I know so far.
(boo)

Oh Boy

As much as I don't want to take up a whole post doing this, I can't think of a better place to do it. As it stands right now, here's my schedule for armsac...Feel free to disregard, haha.

Tues July 7
lessons 10-11
Hartford Airport to pick up Ash, Crystal, and Ricky
Steph's house for the night

Wed July 8
no work
Six Flags?
home that night

Thurs July 9
lessons 10-11
can we go to the beach? Then i can spend the day with you guys since I don't have to work.

Fri July 10
work

Sat July 11
work

Sun July 12
hopefully off so we can do something

Mon July 13
lessons
work
you all crashing at my place

Tues July 14
breakfast?
lessons
work

Wed July 15
lessons
work


Thurs July 16
lessons
work
Steph's house that night

Fri July 17
JONAS

Sat July 18
JONAS

Sun July 19
home
work



Depending on how many kids we have sign up for next session of lessons, some of this could change. I'll be driving a lot, but that's all good cause I love to. I'm sorry I can't go to the airport on the 22, but that's the craziest day since three of the guards will be gone and I HAVE to be at work. :(
Soo, it sucks. I hate how much time I'm going to miss, but hopefully it'll work out. And my car won't die. xD

hmm...

as excited i am for the days coming up, right now i'm just, well not sad really, but just thinking.

you guys don't know this but tomorrow will be the 6th anniversary of my pawpaw's death. this is a tough time for everyone in my family and we're all a little down. it's so weird that it's been that long but at the same time when i think about him i feel like it was only yesterday.

a while back i posted a blog about him, so i won't do it again. i just needed to vent.

ARMSAC Checklist

1. Clothes (duh)
2. Money (duh)
3. Crystal you need a letter from your dad saying we can treat Richard if he gets sick or anything.
4. some form of ID.
5. Anything else you wanna bring.

We have like pillows & stuff at my house, & it looks like one of my grams friends might be staying at my house during part of the time (oh great a racists fat old lady... oh wait i live with one of those)
so basically we'll be sleeping in the living room.
we have a sleeping bag...or two & couches and shit. Um.
BYE.

Kevin. Is. Engaged.

As odd as this most likely sounds. I always thought I would be angry or depressed when it happened. and yet I'm excited. I like him and Danielle together (but we'll let that slide it's apparently the sickness talking) So I'm kind of excited for them to get married. And have little curly haired greyhound babies... Now that's not the sickness that is my bitter rage that has been in my body for a while, but hey at least they won't be swamp babies.... hopefully.
<3
xoxo
Sinful Stephani

I am talented.

Just put my make up on using my webcam. :]
that's really all i wanted to say.

"We Make the Perfect pear" (aka friday & saturday :])

Friday-
Bed 2AM.
Awake 6AM
Breakfast with Ben & Graham.
Do nothing til Lunch with Tanner & his rents.
They are convinced I am a hooker... and a cheap one at that.
I leave because they piss me off.
get check.
Cash Check.
watch wowp.
pack finally.
Leave fifteen minutes late.
get gas.
Make that twenty five minutes late.
Get told there is an hour and ten minutes of traffic.
ten minutes later there is no traffic.
drive to the house not the mobile.
meg tells me to go to the mobile.
meg then tells me to go to the house.
*GLARES*
go inside the house and wait with strangers watching sonny with a chance.
Meg shows up! yeaaa!!!
watch everyone eat dinner. i didn't eat.
get everyone in the car.
Driving.
Megan Marie calls.
Puts Jason on the phone.
teenies, got it on video.
Puts Andy on the phone.
teenies so bad he hurts his ear :[
i get the phone too!
Tell him "We make the perfect pear" (they were buying pears!)
got it on video.
puts ALEX MOTHER EFFIN NOYES on the phone.
teenies, gets stuck in the car
got it on video, tell him we will honor roll & hang out in boston.
Go inside the concert.
Listen to one KSM song. ( I want you to want me!)
Get Merch.
Bought Richard a t-shirt. (tradition!!!!)
Talk to Megan and Erin on the phone!
Epically happy!
Go to find Meg's friends.
get totally lost.
Go back to seats for David.
He had a sing along.
Kinda didn't like him.
Sang Apologize by one republic.
Loveddd it<3
he finished.
we walk and get food.
See Mike & Dave from David's band.
*takes pic with dave*
"Let me take it."-Mike.
"I like it better this way."-me
"Oh...okay"-Mike
*takes pic with Mike
"WAIT did i blink?"-Mike
"Nope!"-Me
*shows him picture and then they leave.*
Go back to our seats right as Demi comes on.
Her shoes look like if she feel she would break her ankle.
She sings way to many new songs.
She goes to change wardrobe & when she comes back like half the people left.
Get back starts & it's effin amazing!!!!
Concert ends.
Walk outside, can't leave our car is blocked by other cars.
Wait by buses.
*bus driver comes out*
SCREAMS INSANELY
*sound guy gets off bus*
SCREAMS INSANELY
"I'm just the sound guy"-sound guy.
I SCREAM LOUDER <3<3<3<3
talk to random people.
get on plant thing and start to sing
"See Noyes In the Dark" & do the honor roll
Keep singing that song & doing the dance.
little girl in orange shirt glaresss at me and meg.
I start singing demi songs.
She glarrrrreeesss even worse.
*evil little girl*
Start back with See Noyes In the Dark.
Singing Jonas.
Back with See Noyes In the Dark.
Meg calls someone as people from demi's band walk out.
I scream
"HEY YOUR SEXY."
They turn to look and I hide behind meg.
we wait like an hour.
Start driving home.
Radio Disney is on the Radio.
Miley starts
"Isn't she dating one of the jonas brothers?"
laughter and talking.
Paranoid comes on.
Singing along.
Driving
Car stopped at a funny place with a guy laying outside it with a DARK colored liquid around his head.
I think it was blood.
We call the police.
More people notice.
They run across the street to help.
The eight year old in the back is scaredddd.
My phone just died so I can't even like twitter about it.
Police show up so we leave.
11:11 I get in my car.
Follow Meg's aunt to the apartment.
Saturday
get there at like 12:11.
I have service & meg doesn't!!
*victory is mine!*
Bed at like 1 AM
Wake up like twelve times.
It's effin cold.
Move so that the air doesn't touch me.
wake up at like 9:35
go to Dunkin Donuts.
Whore messed up my iced tea.
Simple fucking instructions and she messed it up.
Okay maybe not simple
"Medium ice tea in made in an extra large hot cup with six sugars melted, three lemons and extra ice."
easy right?
she puts liquid sugar.
it's tastes different than melted granulated sugar.
& there is ice tea all over my cup.
*WHORE!*
walk around
see a veryyy cute puppy.
walk inside and get a bagel.
Go sit on a like concrete wall.
eat & drink.
go back to the house.
decide against changing clothes, i was gonna come home and shower.
pack everything up.
leave.
get lost, of course what else is new with me?
find my way back.
my GPS said i wouldn't get home til 1:30.
Pulled in my driveway at 12:58.
:]
I win.<3

I might just be an Archie girl for life now...

So I'm totally loving David Archuleta at the moment. I'll admit, I didn't watch AI the season he was a contestant. But I'm reading his Twitter page. Dude, this guy is almost as Twitter-addicted and some of you girls are *coughacertainsomeonewithapenchantformulticoloredhaircough* Yes, I said it. I still love you. All of you just kill my Twitter page because I'm never on Twitter. Like...ever.

Anywayyy, so can I just for a couple of seconds am going to rant about this kid. Because he seems like a very legitly cool person. First of all, he's on tour with Demi. Yeah. He responds to like a million tweets from fans (he was 105,000 freaking followers. And he's personally responding to people?????) Kina Grannis opened for him (if you have not heard of her. GO. NOW YOUTUBE. I'M NOT KIDDING. SHE IS AMAAAAZING....at some point, I'm going to make a big giant post of music that I want to expose everyone two because, not gonna lie, I kind of feel like that's my purpose in love. To spread my love of music (and my expansive iTunes library) with the world and make people fall in love with artists/songs/albums that way.

Okay, back to Archie. He linked to Kina's cover of The Call by Regina Spektor...which I'm pretty sure once upon a time, I showed the same link to Mel. Yes. This kid is awesome. I cried the first time I heard her cover of that song (but I cry at a lot of things). He tweets about random stuff (the person in the hotel room next to him with a creepy laugh. Who, as I'm reading on, apparently has a Southern drawl. I hope he doesn't have anything against a Southern accent, otherwise, I might just have to stop thinking he's a cool person. Immediately.)

Bahaha, he's funny. XD Yesh, I'm subjecting you people to this, what is basically my stream of consciousness as I'm reading this Twitter feed. Quite fun, no? If you weren't interested at all, you would've stopped reading by now.

(....Totally random by the way, did you know that John Mayer loves "The Climb". Oh yeah.)


If nothing else, I think my musicals taste must be near identical to this kid's. Regina Spektor, Kina Grannis, Demi, and HOLY AFOSNAOGNHWA;OIGHW;EIGHA;WIGHAWPEIGH. He said "She Is Love" by Parachute rocks. See? Do you see why I love this kid?

....Probably because it's 2:21 AM and that's how I roll this late...early.

He also likes Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. Like...can name the characters by name.

And I already liked his music beforehand. XD Although...I do have one question. Well, two questions. But we'll go one at a time here. First of all, why on earth was his first single Crush instead of Touch My Hand because the latter is just completely amazing with the lyrics and the melody and the beat and gahhhh. Second question. Is this a real song or just a hypothetical situation. Or better yet, a really great marketing ploy? Singing about spotting a pretty girl in the audience and holding onto that moment, that feeling. Oh, I bet ya everytime he sings that live, he has every single girl...maybe a few guys, too, on the edge of their seats because they're allllll thinking that he's singing to each one of the individually. If it happened for real, I hope that she goes back because of that song, and if life were a fairytale, I would hope that he would recognize her and go after her the next time. I'm sorry, but would that not be one of the most ridiculously cute, romantic things you've ever heard of?

Mmkay, I'm done. Because I seriously think I might pass out soon. I'm that tired.


*clonk*

(201): NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"

I can't believe he is dead, also that was the best text from last night i saw.
RIP <3

shut up and put your money where your mouth is

(i'm listening to waking up in vegas, that's why my title is what it is)

in response to steph's blog:

i'm so sorry! it's always tough to lose a pet, and you've lost several. i'm so sad for you! :(

--
life is really strange sometimes. i think we all can agree on that one simple statement.

yes, this is another will blog. hahaha we only talk like once a month so i feel obligated to question the chat every month. you don't have to read this.

so earlier i got a text from him saying that out of all the friends he's had i'm one of the only ones he can trust, even though we're not really friends anymore and we rarely talk. so that was sort of nice, in a idk why you're telling me this sort of way. so i ask him what's up and we have a long chat via text about what's bothering him. i give him advice and he told me that when i say things they just sound right...wow.

he also said that me just existing makes him feel better. which made me feel AWESOME, because me existing makes me feel better too.

basically he has a boyfriend (and i SOOOO pegged him as gay years ago, even before we read hp slash together and he got a huge crush on a boy i wanted to kill him for liking (he was such an asshole!) so HAH.) and he doesn't know how to tell his homophobic friend. well first of all i wanted to say that if his friend were a homophobe and he hung around will a lot then he's just retarded, but i didn't. i was kind and supportive. i felt all special helping.

yeah this post made no sense. my will blogs rarely do. i just ugh. bye.

I have the worst luck with pets.

And that's the truth. I have horrible luck with pets. Since I was born I've had so many cats and dogs and turtles and fish and everything. All but two of my cats have died so far. The dog that was my dog, the one we got when I was born died. I've had a turtle bite a huge chunk out of my cheek so that I had to go to the hospital. My hampsters got scared and ate their babies in front of me. And my fish never last long, my brother & I actually fried a pair of Beta's by accident one day.
And I wouldn't even post this blog but today has been a horrible day for me. I cried at work and now I'm crying at home.
I came home from work today and my grandmother calls me into her room. This was normal she called me there all the time so I was used to it. But before I even made it into the room she spoke.
"Your cats dead."
What? Why does this always happen to me. I didn't cry I instead walked into the room and listened to my grandmother tell me how my brother had found her on the side of the road she had tried to run across and get food when my family got home with the groceries. It seems so odd but i thought for once I would have a pet that lived, because I love animals so much. But she didn't. And she was my baby, no it wasn't Draco it was Jersey but Jersey was my little girl who ran to me when I got home and who would follow me around the house. And it's always my cat. We've had a good thirty cats since I was born and mine always dies.
Pumpkin was eaten by a coyote.
Julia died in child birth.
Roberts was hit by a car.
Socks just never came back.
Boot was hit by a car.
Jersey was hit by a car.
Skimmer had heart problems.

Out of all the cat's I've had and those are only the ones i can remember I still have two.
Skittles, who hates humans and hides all the time.
& Draco who I love to death.

I don't know I just I don't think I should get pets anymore. No matter how much I love them. Because everything I love dies.

xoxo
Sinful Stephani

When You Read Between the Lines

So, I haven’t blogged in forever and I figure since the meet-up is so close, I probably should, hahah.

First, I want to respond to Ash’s previous post:

I give you huge props for what you’re doing. You’re traveling the farthest out of all of us, and by yourself. And I really understand that that’s scary, so you absolutely don’t have to feel bad about being scared. It’d be weird if you weren’t. But we swear we’ll try and make it worthwhile.
And as for us not liking you anymore after this…well, that’s not going to happen. I know it. It’s just like a gut feeling. You’re an awesome person (you all are <3) and I honestly don’t think I’m capable of not liking any of you. Even if we’re all PMSing our asses off. And I know that Steph and I already get along in person, and Steph and Crystal already get along in person, and I feel like the group dynamic is just going to be great. Insane, but great. Because I talk to you girls online more than I do my friends here in the same town as me, so I know it’ll be fine.

On another note, I’m trying hard to figure out what days I’m actually going to BE there, which sucks sucks SUCKS. I really didn’t think I was going to get the responsibility of being co-director this summer, so I wasn’t really prepared. Luckily Erin’s in charge too, so I can get away with time off from working, but I have to factor in swim lessons and covering shifts, so there might be some days I’ll have to miss out on. Which makes me really sad, because this seems like a once in a lifetime kinda thing, unless we can get these meet-ups to happen on a semi-regular basis. But I also can’t blow this job, because it’s important and we already got the position over a guy with a year more experience than us, and I’ve already got two family vacations making me take time off too. But I’ll be there as much as I possibly can—hopefully things will work out.

All worrying aside, I CANNOT believe this is actually going to happen. When we were talking about it way back when, and when the countdown was still in the triple digits, it seemed like just an idea that we hoped would happen. But now it actually is. And I can’t believe how fast it snuck up on me! Just two weeks. Wow. It’s going to be so epic, I really can’t wait. :]

lines vines and trying times

yes, i give you permission to call me lame for using that as my blog post title. go ahead, i know already. :)

with armsac so close the worries that were blissfully missing for a while are now coming back full force. it's not so much the money issue (though that is still something i should be concerned about) but it's just the general meeting up.

i'm gonna let you in on something. i'm not a grown up AT ALL. i know you're probably sitting there like "duh" but trust me, you have no idea. i'm almost 21 years old and i still haven't gotten my driver's license. worse? i barely know how to drive. i can point the blame at a lot of people (namely the ones that keep telling me we'll go driving but never take me) but at the end of the day it's me. i'm kinda scared to drive.

when i get right down to it, i'm just a big baby and i'm scared of everything. it's just a fact about me. i know that things shouldn't be scary and i can joke about it, but at the end of the day i let this irrational part of my brain take over and i just become this scared little chicken.

so armsac has me shaking in my boots (not literally because i don't have a pair of boots and i'm actually quite still in front of the computer) because i'll be doing some things that may force me to grow up a little bit.

in a little more than two weeks (holy shit that's scary, and wow i pause my monologue with a lot of parenthesis) i'll be getting on an airplane by myself. i'll be stuck in atlanta for three hours by myself. i'll be meeting people i've only ever talked to online or on the phone BY MYSELF. no grandma or mom to help me out or anything. i'm doing this on my own.

and it really terrifies me.

it's not so much meeting you guys, because i think if anyone were the serial killer in the group it would be me (hahah my fanfics anyone?) but at the same time it's just so surreal to know that i'll be face to face with people i've never met. and i'm excited, i'm super excited and wish it were tomorrow, but at the same time it has me so worried i don't know what to do. i worry if we'll get along in person, i worry if we'll all still like each other after this is all said and done.

but most of all i worry about the fact that you'll meet me and realize that i'm just a big baby and annoying and you'd be better off without me.

and (oh god i'm crying...see? i'm a big baby) that has me so scared. because for a year you guys have been my best and only friends. you've been there for me when i was up, and you've worried about me when i disappeared off the face of the earth for a few days. not only have you guys been friends, you've been the people i've confided in the most. you've been the ones who inspire me to write, to do things i normally wouldn't do, and every once in a while have fun with life.

the thought that you guys will see me and realize just how annoying and a pain i am terrifies me. because i don't know what i'd do without you guys.

i've said it a million times - it's so hard for me to make friends. and i'd hate for this meeting to be the end of three (because ren isn't gonna be there) friendships that i've grown to cherish more than anything.

and i hate writing this because i'm not looking for "oh everything will be alright" because we don't know do we? we won't know how we all are together until it happens? and knowing that my fears can be justified just makes them more real.

and then there's other minor worries like the fact that i'm pretty sure that time of the month will be during armsac, and i have the tendency to get super emotional at the tiniest thing. like if you even look at me wrong i cry. and i don't want to do that.

anyway, i just thought i'd share that and get it off my chest.

i just don't think anybody realizes what a huge step this is for me. i've never done anything on my own, and i'm about to do so much and i can't hide the fact i'm scared.

I'm going down down.

So as weird as this sounds I'm kind of upset that I might not be doing school anymore. I was the one from the very begining who said that I didn't want to be in school right away. I was the one who was so mad about my gram making me go to school. I hated how much work I had to do in such a short period of time. I mean most classes last a semester I took mine in nine weeks. I didn't have breaks from school. I was tired all the time. The work was killing me. And here it is summer break time and I can't help but want to be on break but I know I should be doing my school work. Well I got a letter a few days ago, and then again today, saying I might owe money for my two classes I'm in. I owe $2450+ for two classes. Two classes that have nothing to do with me being a teacher. I don't need bio or physchology skills to be a teacher. Yea science is helpful but taking four science classes that will cost me over $5000 total for them is not worth it. Especailly when I'm not learning anything. I did six science classes in my high school career all before I was a Senior in high school. I understand earth science, biology, chemistry, oceanography, physics and anatomy and physiology. I took six maths, Algebra 1 &2, Geometry, Pre-cal, probibality & statistics. I took advanced history every single year. I was in advanced english every single year. I know the stupid things you are trying to teach me. I know how to do labs, I know how to write papers. I know how to add. I did an art class (or two) each year. I took German well enough to go to Germany and have conversations with native Germans other than things about Kuh's (cows). I'm smart and yet all that online college has made me feel is dumb. I don't 'participate' because I don't feel like telling a bunch of thrity + year olds that they are wrong on simple matters such as the differences between plant & animal cells. I do my work and yet on occasion my teachers don't give me credit. One teacher told me that he couldn't open my paper, I offered to send it in, in a different format and he told me it didn't matter I was still getting a zero. I was told no more school today, because they aren't spending more money on it. So probably after Wednesday no more school for me. My grandparents give my brother the world, they gave him 8,000 for school not to long ago and yet i need less than 3,000 and i get told no. it's just i don't know.
ugh.

Shameless Plugging. XD

First of all, I'm going to apologize for my last post. I was stressed and speaking without really thinking. 

Anywayyyy, I just wanted to put a plug here for my YouTube Channel. <3>

Thus far, I've posted these songs:

The Climb by Miley Cyrus

Our Song by Taylor Swift

Beyond My Wildest Dreams from The Little Mermaid Musical

Defying Gravity from Wicked

Good Morning Baltimore from Hairspray

On My Own from Les Miserables

RennerooMusic

Story of My Life? It Sucks. The End.

Whatever. I'm over people, just people in general.

If people want to ignore me, whatever. If people don't give a frik about me or anything I do, whatever. I can do that. I can deal with that. I'll always just be the one who doesn't quite measure up. I'll always be the fat nerd. I'll always be that invisible girl because the second I open my mouth or try to say a thing, people think they can stop listening. Because it doesn't matter. It never did. It doesn't now. It never will. Now, I just need to stop being a freaking idiot and thinking that any of it matters. It doesn't. Oh well. Look at me, the naive moron who thought just a little too much for just a little too long.

Whatever. I'm done.

woo

it's amazing what two voicemails, a couple of lost connections and a two hour phone conversation can do. any bad feelings or anger i had about the whole armsac thing is pretty much gone. of course i'm still going to worry and freak out, but at least i don't have the feeling of drama or anything like that to deal with.

it's different when you actually hear someone's voice explaining their feelings. i think that's what we should have done forever ago. because i really think steph understands where i'm coming from more and i definitely understand her thoughts better too. we're never going to completely agree on the money situation, and that's okay. but i think we may have found a way to get over it. and that's amazing.

of course there could be another situation or two before july, but getting through this massive hurdle and understanding each other lets me think that we can get through it.

you girls are my best friends. honestly the only friends i have. it would be stupid to possibly lose you over something so little.

woot, jonas in an hour! (psh, so my real purpose for writing. :) hahah )

Sorry.

This isn't directed to anyone and yet at the same time it's to everyone. It just it has to be done.
I'm sorry I'm not pretty enough, that I weigh more than you do and my skin isn't crystal clear.
I'm sorry that I curse a lot, it seems like the only way you pay attention is if I do.
I'm sorry that I try to help you, I never had the chance to help before and now that I do I just get in trouble.
I'm sorry that I'm helping your boyfriend cheat, you deserve so much more than him so do I but I'll never have better not since he died.
I'm sorry that I don't understand what your trying to say all the time, I try my hardest but I'm always wrong.
I'm sorry I'm never right, I wish I could say that I did one thing right in my life but I can't.
I'm sorry the pills didn't work, because if they did you wouldn't have to deal with me.
I'm sorry I can cut my skin, because I'm sure that would feel great right now.
I'm sorry I don't sleep with everyone I meet, but I tend not to be a whore no matter what you think.
I'm sorry I'm your friend, I know you'd be better off without me.
I'm sorry I dress like a 'slut', even though I hardly ever show skin and wear no makeup at all.
I'm sorry I embarrass you, I don't mean too it just happens.
I'm sorry you think I don't listen, I do I hear everything you say even when you hear nothing I say.
I'm sorry that I cry when you get mad at me, your the only one who does this to me.
I'm sorry that we never talk like we used to, now it seems like all we do is fight.
I'm sorry I fight with you, I just I can't help it some times.
I'm sorry I ever talked to you, because you obviously don't want to talk to me.
I'm sorry.
xoxo
Stephani

(ps I'm sorry but I'm not going to talk until I fix everything.)

It's Been A Long Time.

I don't know I feel like I should tell you about Bamboozle and the AP tour and the Kiss Concert. But I don't know what to say. It was insane. I met so many great people (you can check them out in my pictures on facebook or myspace) and had SO much fun.
The AP tour kicked it all off, I was at YALE(never thought I would go there ever) and it was insane. We missed A rocket to the moon, and while I love Nick I was okay with that. We got inside and it was like instant mosh. Insane crazy wicked awesome. We started about halfway through the crowd, and now I hate moshing but dude I managed to get us up to almost the barrier (legit two people in front of us) by the time the last act the Maine came on. That was when I could finally see the bands which is why i got pics :). Afterwards we went to Denny's and hung out with the Maine. (Kennedy is freaking awesome) We go to leave and there is a group of teenies...and Jon Oh in front of my car. So I blasted The Maine as I TORE out of the parking lot. Yea I went like fifty out of the parking lot, blasting the Maine at full volume at 2 AM. :)
Next was a three hour long trip to New Jersey for Bamboozle/ Hoodwinked.
Hoodwinked was probably my favorite day it was tiny but so many of the bands that played were effin epic and amazing at what they did. The best act of the night was Danger Radio for sure. I LOVE Love Love there covers of Britney Spears, they should do an album of them :]. We saw CeeJay from PushPlay. He said hi to us and walked to his mommy & daddy, who were oh right next to us and hugged them and shit. I waved at J.Cook from Forever the Sickest Kids. He waved back and I teenied slightly, Marina didn't see him. Then Singer from The Cab. Came from behind the stage into the crowd now I didn't try and get a picture with him but he smiled and waved at me so I did the same. It was awkward but he is adorable. That was my night.
Bamboozle day one was insane. We arrived and there was a huge line and that is when we see Nate Flynn from Sing It Loud. Marina knew who he was I did not. She like screamed he came over and the exchange between me and him went like this.
"So you have our CD. Do you have our CD?"-Nate to me
"No."-Me
"You should buy our CD it's only 5 dollars."-Nate
"Marina should I waste five dollars on..."-Me (he cut me off)
"It's not a waste!"-Nate
"If I WASTE five dollars on your CD will you sign it."-Me
"Of course."-Nate
(I drooled the WHOLE effin time. So glad he didn't notice lol jk :])
Walking around saw a ton of different bands All of Hey Monday walked by us like Three times. Waved and said Hi to Elliot. Basically screamed at Mike. Jersey was just like hiya :) I loved it. Marina never saw any of them but Mike cause she was on the ground. Then I see CeeJay from PushPlay. Which is where that pic of me and him came from. Marina followed him and told him that I was too shy to ask for a picture. Actually I was trying not to admit I was scared he was going to like shake my hand or hug me, Nate Flynn had done both and I hate it when people like touch me. I freak out at the drive thru window at work when people expect me to take money or give them money and I have to touch them. How I'm going to be a teacher idk. But yes we saw CeeJay and got pics and went back. So we had this two hour break inbetween going inside and seeing the first band we really wanted to see so we were sitting on a curb and who walks up but Andrew De Torres the lead singer of Danger Radio. We had like a ten minute converstaion about the weather and I kinda wish that I got a pic with him because he is also in the scene aesthetic. Which is another band I love. So I legit spazzed when I found that out. Then it's 2:03 (random time i know) PM and we are walking over to see Sing it Loud play. Along the way who do we spot other than Nate Flynn who has to be on stage in 12 minutes. He didn't believe us at first, and then when we told him the time and he finally stopped taking pics with everyone and signing autographs he went to the merch booth(we bought merch) and then to the stage. It was insane probably my fave performance of the day. He was insane! I love the band officially and I'm glad I 'wasted' five dollars on their cd. it's on my car playing right now lol. So many great bands preformed that day but we were burnt and annoyed, like legit we had almost an hour between acts at some points and we left before Fall Out Boy, which Marina said was okay until we got back to her grandfather's house and then she was like I wanted to see them. Oh Mi Gawd. Are you kidddddding me? I would have stayed but you didn't want to see anyone for three hours before them and I didn't want to roam around.
Bamboozle day two we didn't go until almost two PM. which yes I know "You Missed Honor Society. Kevin and Danielle were there." Yea well I slept for 13 hours. So suck it. We went from two PM til about 6 PM. We saw a ton of great people. I'm hooked on like half the bands legit. The best part was deff right as we were leaving the lead singer of the band we saw (idk what band it was) screamed and I'm quoting him here "Let go of my nuts." haha that's what you get for looking sexy and crowd surfing. Oh & I met one of my favorite bands Van Atta High (Check them out!!!) and saw the Honor Society/ JB street team people and such. Kat & Janice and... I forget the other one. My B!
Then was Kiss Concert. I met Meg for the first time yeaaa :) we had a ton of fun. We only liked certain bands but it was okay. She got me hooked on the white tie affair and we met them. I have Chris(the lead singer) yea I have his phone number. Sean gave me a penny and I have a ticket for a free date with Tim. My only thing that connects me to Ryan was me telling him "I like your lip ring" and the picture. He kinda laughed when I said that but it's true I have a thing for lip jewerly. Is that how that is spelt I always spell it wrong. So then we went back and hung out saw All American Rejects, 3oh!3, Sean Kingston, and then it was time. I know what your thinking. It was time? Yes it was time time to meet Jesse McCartney *hears angels singing* Hahah I'm dramatic a bit. Sorry. But yea so we go and find Meg's friends in line and get insanely close to the beginning. I made new friends (Paula and Shalin) teenies surrounded us. I felt slightly clausterphobic there legitly. And then there were screams and then ooooooh. It was just Sean Kingston and then more screams, just a security guard playing a trick. There were a group of like ten year olds trying to see Jesse Arrive. We kept coming up with plans on how they could rush Jesse when he did arrive. Go under that thing it's plastic and has a two foot gap at the bottom. Take out the security guard there are like twelve of you and one of him, he doesn't look that tough. Run through that little gap right there and pounce. Those suggestions were ignored by the teenies but not by security guard boy. Evil man there were like six more secuirty guards after the last suggestion. Met Jesse said hi kinda didn't care. I mean he was kinda a douche we asked him to sign something for charity and we got told No. faggot.
SO yea that has been my Month of May. It is going to be insane guys. INSANE :)

xoxo
Stephani :]

Change A Heart Change the World

The title is the song title of a Jump 5 song that I absolutely love. This is a drabble thing that I wrote down in Writing and Grammar a few weeks ago when we had free time because it was just something that I really felt I needed to get down on paper. It has affected me, and I know it affects others, too. I apologize if it's cheesy, or wishful thinking, or anything else that offends or disgusts, but it's what's been on my mind and in my heart lately. It starts of with different song lyrics and then goes into my own original thoughts.

Whatcha got if you ain't got love? The kind that you just wanna give away.

How do you measure a year? Measure in love.

It's a revolution. The time has come for us to finally win.

Father, Father send some guidance from above cause people got me questioning

WHERE IS THE LOVE?

Can you imagine a world that is ruled by love and kindness instead of hate and animosity? What if all of it stopped, the lies, the gossip, the late? Some people say it's impossible. Why? It is a world crying out, crying out in an attempt to appeal to the compassion of others. To end wars. Feed the hungry. It's up to us to prevent hurt and pain wherever we can. What if it's up to us and only us? Those who will one day be our world. What if you could start right now, right here, in this very moment. You could reach out to someone who is secretly begging for a hug or even just a smile. Yeah, we all have those days, the ones where getting out of bed is hard enough, and the world seems stacked against you. You aren't the only one who has these days, and you could put an end to that day for someone else. Be the light at the end of a dark and long tunnel if you would jump at the chance. What would it to do to think of others first? This world would be a completely different place. What if we really could? It could start with steps. It has to. Not leaps. Not jumps. Just a step. Hold the door. Smile and a total stranger. Kindness is good for everyone. Those who give and receive both reap the benefits. Hate hurts and leads to pain. Why spread it? It's like a disease that consumes. Consumes and devours. What about happiness? It's also contagious. But it's a cure. It's a cure that envelops people and gives security and warmth.  Loving your neighbor, your enemy. We've all heard it before. What if it became our reality? Why has it become such a challenge to keep a hurtful remark to yourself? Why is it so hard to say a kind word to someone else, someone you may not usually talk to. Why is someone too weird for you to talk to? Past the clothes we wear or the way we talk or how we spend our time, we all have a common bond. We're all human beings, thinking, feeling, believing, hopeful human beings. It is a tie between all of is that cannot be severed. So why do we continue to ignore it? Those built up because of self-interest will eventually crumble back to the ground. None of us are perfect, but why should that mean that we don't even try? Why have we lost the ability to do something, to say something because it is something that we honestly believe? We all stray so far from who we are supposed to be and the things we should do. We don't care about being the best people for us and those around us. We don't wake up wondering what we can do for everything around us to improve. What would it take to make people start thinking outside of their own little worlds? Beyond what they know and see everyday? To the people on the other side of the world that are starving and helpless to those who sit beside us everywhere who are also helpless and starving for a hand to hold. It could start a revolution. It's a new way of thinking, something that could change everything we know. Change it for the better. But it's up to us. So if you could start right now, would you? Would you care to make this world a better place? We are held back by our own apathy and complacency. Now is the time to break free of it and make a difference. We are the ones who are capable of doing it. What do you say?

Dents in My Fender, Rips in My Jeans

I need to get a few things out. Because I've been praying and praying but I feel like I'm not hearing anything yet, and I just need to get some things out.

Lately, I've been more concerned with my ability as a singer. Mainly at church. In the choir, contemporary band, and youth band. I know I'm not the best, and I'm not even what they need. But I'm not going to lie. I do it because I love it, even if I'm not very good. I love being there and singing and I love the fellowship it goes along with. Because there are plenty of times when I'll go hours and hours at school, but the only time I have a conversation with anyone outside of my immediate family is on Sunday morning. 

And it's all starting to culminate to where I am now. This morning, I sang at the 8:30 service. I did a really pretty awful job. I know I did, and I wish I could have done better. And the director didn't say a word about the contemporary service, and they just played it without me. And I won't lie, I felt a little bit snubbed. And then I got to youth group tonight for youth band, and there weren't enough channels for three mics, so I didn't sing.

But my mom and I were talking, and I hadn't told her any of this, but I mentioned that there were only enough channels for two mics. And I mentioned that I might see if there was a way to work around it or if I could just fill in every once in a while.

My mother, the one person who I thought was supposed to be supportive of me, especially with the things that I love, told me that I just needed to quit all of it. Or stay in the adult choir, but don't do anything else because it's just "excessive". She told me to stop hogging the spotlight. 

And I feel so lost. Is this really the direction God's pulling me in? Away from music worship? Because I feel like I love it too much to give it up, but what other choice do I have? I'm a burden to the music leaders there, and my mother thinks it's just a bad idea. 

I'm so ready to quit. So ready. I think I might just stop coming, not to church, but I maybe I don't need to be a part of the music program. There were a few people who would tell me that they liked seeing me up there, but maybe they were just pitying me or trying to be polite. 

I just...I don't know. It's been one of the few things that, well really, the only thing that I really love doing anymore. The one thing that I can't wait to get to do, and when I'm there, practicing and singing, I am more carefree than I am at any other point. But what if it's just not the right thing? 

I don't even know what to say right now. I'm just upset, I guess.

well i could...

comment all of these blogs separately but you all know how lazy i am and how unlikely doing all of that would be. :)

but i just want to say how amazed i am. those blogs made me laugh, tear up, smile and generally grow to appreciate all of you more. i can't believe that in a year we've come this far. i can't see my life without you girls in it somehow. i don't even remember how my life was BEFORE you guys.

it's so silly how a website about a boyband brought us all together, but our strengths, weaknesses, and love for each other kept us strong.

whether we're always ARMSAC or not i don't know. but i do know that we'll always be there for each other somehow.

it's not like i have a life without you girls anyway. :)

Reminisce on Memories

I drew that little thing spur the moment during an early ARM chat. This was before there were thoughts of ARMSAC meet-ups or kidnapping Renneh (Kidding...or are we? :])

It's pretty amazing how these friendships formed. Even though I personally am not on JBF all that much any more, I owe that website a LOT.

Like most of the other girls on this blog, JBF was just a random site I happened to visit, looking for Jonas fanfiction. I was a regular on fanfiction.net, and had quite a few stories on there. I mostly stuck to anime and Lord of the Rings fanfiction, but then my friend got me into the Jonas Brothers. I had heard their music before when she blasted it in her car as we rode around town. Then we were watching HSM or HSM 2, can't remember, and the Hannah Montana episode with the Jonas boys was on right after. And I was hooked, watching these hilarious, energetic, cute boys sing.

It was early in the year when I went on JBF, just intending to read a few JB stories. That was supposed to be it. But then I got into it; I made an account, I commented on stories...I started writing my own. I posted it, not expecting to get much response but still hoping for it anyway. And, to my surprise, I got feedback. People were so nice, so encouraging. I was on the site constantly.

Then I got a review from a girl named Ashley. She was very enthusiastic, and we eventually started talking via private messaging. So many inside jokes arose from the different fics, including Joe in a tiger pit and Stan. She mentioned wanting to write, and I knew that someone so hilarious would write a great fanfic. I nagged her, and I'm glad I did. Turns out she poned at writing.

We started talking over AIM, and I started to meet other people on JBF as well. There was Bre, one of my best commenters. I vaguely knew a few other fellow fans. And then I stumbled on a new fic. It caught my attention immediately, partially for the cheerfully bright yellow font, and partially for the talent that even the prologue made quite obvious. I reviewed, recommended it to Ashley, and we all started talking in AIM chats. I remember being shocked to find out that Ren was younger than me--I was entirely convinced she was a college student at least.

Those chats were absolutely the best. My roomie was no longer going to bed much later than me. I was up wayyy past my bedtime and often tired in the morning, but it was so completely worth it. We had such a crazy affinity, and sooo many jokes came out of those chats. Along the way we added more amazing JBF girls--Crystal, Steph, Corinne, and more--to form the awesomeness that is ARMSAC.

Without ARMSAC, I'd probably have more time to study. I'd probably get more sleep. But I'd also be bored, uninspired, and not still have this passion for curly-haired boybands.

So, as far as websites go, JBF was pretty darn important. And considering how random the decision was to go on it, I find myself believing the old adage more and more:

Everything happens for a reason.

<3

People Will Forget What You Say, People Will Forget What You Did, But Never How You Made Them Feel

That's a paraphrase of a quote from Maya Angelou.

With everyone sharing their stories, I felt the need to explain everything as well.


I'll be completely honest though. To a certain extent, I really don't remember all the specifics of how I came to be where I am now.

In fact, do you want to know the truth? It's difficult for me to remember what it was like before you were my best friends. And it's been just over a year now, if that could even begin to say what kind of an impact you girls have had on me.

Last year, eighth grade, was kind of a big year for me. Things started shifting, changing, and there was just a different feel from the way things had been before. It wasn't the radical change that has taken place this year, but things were stirring and something was bound to happen.

My best friend moved to the other side of the country. We'd been honest to goodness best friends since fourth grade. I really never even talk to her anymore. I mean, we try, but it's rare, with the time different and we each have our own lives now. But anyway, that was a shock to me. It happened right after school started. When she told us, I guess maybe it didn't register at first. As we discussed it as she visited the lunch table, I told her that I was excited for her and I knew she would love it, and that was very true. But I just didn't grasp the gravity of it somehow. And it was as I retold the story to my dad that I broke down in tears. And that's the best place I know where to start.

So from there, I tried to continue on as before. I still had four or five friends in our little group. But it wasn't quite the same. The two of us had always been the creative pair. Both of us loved writing and music and just the feeling of creating something and bouncing ideas off of each other.

Looking back in retrospect, I suppose that for quite a few months, my creative side remained almost completely suppressed. But I started getting into this band, the Jonas Brothers. I don't even remember how I first heard of them. I suppose through the Hannah Montana tour. 

Anyway, one night, rather randomly, I was lying on the guest room bed and the song "Gardenia" by Mandy Moore came on. For some reason, it really struck me. Not the lyrics, but just the general feel of the song. And thus came the prologue of Gardenias. I don't even think that I intended for it to be a fanfic at first. At the time, prose, much less fanfiction was kind of foreign to me. Most of what I wrote up to that point was plays. I'd never really tried to just write before. And it was so different, and in a way, kind of liberating. Just looking at a blank page (which at times could be rather intimidating) and having it for whatever came out, not necessarily having to be as  concise or direct as when writing a play.

But I thought I might make it a fanfiction, and at first, I posted it on FanFiction.net. And I got absolutely no response there. So eventually, I found JBF, and I saw that it was pretty active, and I wanted some advice because prose was beyond new to me, and I was getting desperate for an opinion because I didn't want to get too far into it without having a clue of what I was doing. No kidding, the last actual story I'd written was in the 3rd grade, a six page (when I say six pages, I mean, like a total of twelve lines. Little kid paper), called "Loretta the Fairy". Yeah. So I joined JBF, and I hoped that I might get a comment, maybe two if I got lucky, from someone who would have something to say about it.

Lo and behold....the first person to (as far as I know) read and (definitely) to comment was a girl named Melissa. And  her comment was nice and so encouraging and my mind started drifting, you know, "Wow, could I go somewhere with this? Could I really develop a whole story?" It was something I'd never done before. I'd attempted one-shots, but I'd never even thought about doing a whole big story.

Anther funny thing? You wanna know who the third person to comment was? One miss Tina that belonged to a group called KERNT. Yep. You heard right. And the comments totally just kept coming, from different people, and the more I started working on the story, the more fun I was having with it, the more I was falling in love with that story. It was and still is my baby. 

A bit later, Stephani started commenting. And she had read The Secret Life of Bees, which I mentioned in my fic, and it happened to be one of my favorite books. And I knew she had to be pretty awesome at that point. XD That book really is amazing. If you haven't reaad it, you should. Definitely. 

I was so surprised by the way that people responded to the story. They were relating to Fae, my main character, and now that I look at her, a bit similar to someone I happen to know very very well (myself). And Ashley commented for the first time. And what can I say? My life was forever changed. XD Haha, I was at least introduced to Ashley's commenting style, which is unique to say the least.

And as soon as we found a common bond in fried okra, we were best friends. XD I'm kidding.

I think we had talked over IM a couple of times at that point. At some point, I wrote a one-shot based off of one of my favorite songs, "Miss Invisible" by Marie Digby. I talked to her on AIM to get an idea of how to write that one-shot. And it got started from there. After that, Ashley once asked if it was alright if she could invite another JBF girl, Mel, into the chat. I said, of course, by this time Mel had been reviewing Gardenias for a while, and I was reading one of her stories.

And we never looked back. We became ARM, and it was quite awesome. I would stay up until two AM even when I had school (thank goodness I had Latin first period every day last year), and I can remember working on Gardenias. And then ARMSAC, when I had gotten to know these other girls so well. And it just worked. And no one seemed to mind that I was a baby because at times, I honestly felt like the youngster who was just tagging around the older girls like a lost puppy. 

Most of this thing that we have that I remember? It isn't in clear pictures. The timeline is funny. But I have these snapshots that are flashbacks to a few seconds in time, but they stand out so perfectly, crystal clear in my mind that I have to think that they are a large part of what has shaped me up to this point. Because with you girls, you've given me the opportunity to discover what friendship really is. Because, sure I've had friends before, but never like this. I've friends that I've probably told more secrets to than you guys. I've had friends that I've known longer. I've had friends that I rarely went a day without seeing, but as I've discovered, that's not what it's about. 

You've shown me that being friends with you girls? It shouldn't matter how many miles in between them or whether or not there seem to be enough hours in a day or even whether or not you can see their faces. What makes us friends is the memories that we've managed to create, in what might not be a long period of time, we have memories, ranging from those which make us laugh or cry, the times we were scared and unsure of what was coming next to the times when we felt restless to those late nights when we were simply hyper and sleep-deprived. We're on the same page without ever having to make a point to be. Everyone is always willing to lend an open ear, whether given forewarning or not. Even though distance has ended some friendships for me. Time has stopped others. Some I've merely grown out of. I have the feeling, somewhere in me, that this isn't something that will end easily, if at all. Something in me says that we're in this together for the long hall, even if our love for the Jonas Brothers, the band which brought us together, wears down, I think, at this point, it wouldn't matter. We're too strongly bonded, we're too close, for that to affect us. And when one of us tries to pull away, the others pull closer because we know that whatever we go through, we go through together. None of us will either suffer or celebrate alone. And it's true, I may not remember all the details of what we've said and what we've done together. But the way that I feel around you girls, the friendship you've blessed me with, the way that I will know that I never could've made it through this year especially is something that I will not allow myself to forget.

My side of the story

I'm going to try my best to remember details here but with my memory...yeah it most likely won't happen. I do know that it was shortly after my 18th birthday. I was bored and had the urge to read Jonas Brothers fanfiction for a few days. I used to read Dream Street...or Jesse McCartney...or Greg Raposo...or stories about some of my favorite TV shows and characters but I hadn't been reading fanfiction all that much anymore. Anyway I decided to search for a site where I could satisy that nagging urge that I had and that's how I found JBF. I don't know if it was the first site that I went to or maybe the third, all I know is that I liked the site so I stayed.

I don't remember the first story I read. I really don't...but whatever it was I must of liked it because I'm pretty sure I just created my account on there to comment on stories. At some point shortly after joining, I started reading Laws and Tale of a Pedophile. I commented on those letting the authors know that I loved the stories. I wasn't expecting to start talking to the writers....let alone become friends with them.

Shortly after my friendship with Ashley and Stephani started, I began reading things from Ren and Melissa. I think the first story of Ren's that I read was...Gardenias...I could be wrong about that though. The first thing of Mel's...I believe it was...I Won't Be Falling. Yet again I could be wrong. But just like with Ash and Steph, I commented letting the authors know how much I loved their stories and writing...and may have thrown in my dislike of Cora and Sean (haha had to check if I had that name right and I did. score one for me).

Conversations on the threads started forming and I thought "These girls are awesome." I think the main reason I got on JBF some days was to see if you all had commented back to something I said, just so I could try and keep the conversations going.

At some point in all of this, I came up with the idea for Who's the Dog. I normally don't write fanfiction...just read...but for some reason I felt compelled to post the prologue for that story. Of course it would usually take me forever to update and that's probably why I never went through with writing fanfic before. I do remember that the opinion of you girls on that story are the ones that mattered most to me...so it made me so happy that both Ash and Mel liked it. Then I started another story but that one is currently dead as well..but I do remember Steph and Spencer "fighting" over Kevin in that thread. A few joint stories were started as well.

I don't even know how I got started with talking to you girls on AIM. I really don't but I do know that I'm happy that I do. It's the only reason I get on there most of the time...in fact I think it's the only reason I got it. Course I don't go on there most days anymore or if I do, it's only for a few moments. I kinda feel like I'm drifting apart and I don't know why I am but that's what it feels like. Now I'm getting off topic...but I'm sure you girls have noticed that I tend to do that.

Anyway, even though I could have remained anonymous, I'm happy that I felt like commenting on JBF. Because of that, I met all of you...the best friends and sisters that a girl could ask for.

I broke my cellphone charger. :(

I remember always wanting to read growing up. I didn't care what I read books, newspaper articles, comics as long as I read the words written in front of me I was a happy child. I became obsessed with Dream Street, ah i was so young and so were they then, and started to read fanfiction about them. And when that faded it lead onto Harry Potter and I was ALWAYS looking for Harry Potter fanfiction to read. Well then I heard of this little band called the Jonas Brothers. I liked their song Mandy, I had heard it the year before I became obsessed, and most of their other songs made me feel as though I had reason to live. Because by then I had given up hope on living, wanting to spend my life dead, by then I had been pregnant miscarried lost my boyfriend and had started an abusive relationship. I searched many different sites FanFiction.net to name one of the ones I frequented for Jonas fanfiction but then I found JonasBrothersFan.com it seemed like a good place to check out over the week alone. It was Christmas week and I was alone. So I spent that week all by myself on a computer my mother had let me on, it was more often than not locked with a password and right before they left my mom put the password in for me, reading Jonas Brothers fanfiction like I had never seen before and I read and I read. I didn't join until December 24, 2007 at like 11 PM. It seems silly now but I was afraid. However one thing I loved more than readign was writing, my fingers always found the way to the keys that they wanted to hit and I could read the same sentence again and again or just once over making sure my words were what I wanted them to be. That first night I posted, just a few simple comments nothing big and I dreaded posting my own storied. And then I did post my stories and people loved them. I met my best friends because of that site.
Madison Paige- she was the first person I really talked to on & off JBF. She was fourteen at the time and lived in a small town ten minutes away from Wyckoff, New Jersey. She was into Jonas Brothers, musicals and fan fiction. She is the first person I wrote a joint fic with, the only person I've ever FINISHED a joint fic with. I STILL haven't met her, even after two planned get together but pretty soon I'm just going to drive down to her house and see her.
Hayden- Oh dee she was amazing, She was the second person I talked to on and off JBF all the time. she was best friends with Madison and I. We started a joint fic together the HSM crew, Hayden,Stephani,Madison. We were superheros PowerMads, SuperGirl H, & WonderSteph, now if you've read Tell me, tell me, why the sun is shining out here in Jersey when you are no where near those names should sound forever, the girls in that story were my best friends. But then one day Dee's account was deactivated and she was never on AIM any more. I was devestated, she was one of my best friends the one who had been talking to me about boys in boxers when my teacher put my computer screen on EVERYONE in the classrooms computer screen.
Then I met some other people.
For a while I had been stalking around JBF trying to find something other than OMG JOE fell in love with me on the first date and we made out and got married. And I found it with three great girls.
Ashley Marie Ates- I forget what I first read of yours, which makes me feel horrible but you have had so many storied started over time that I forget which one brought us together. I remember though that you and Mel were having a converstaion about being a pedophile for Nick J. And I said I was one too. Truthfully I was still a year away from such a thing but I was close and at times I am more mature than my age. And then I brought up writing a fic about being a pedophile. and tale of a pedophile was born. Which lead to Tale of a Perfectionist and tale of a (up&coming)popstar. And the awesome friendship.
Melissa White- I still don't know your middle name. hahah I remember reading Elevator that was the first thing of Mel's I read. I'm not sure if I commented or not but I can tell you that I was in love right away. Back then I was shy, well hell I still am on some points, and didn't want to talk to people I didn't know because I was scared of rejection but then pedophilia happened and well I'm glad it did. we saw twilight together and can I tell you I loved the movie but even more I loved meeting one of my best friends.
Rennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn- Hahah I read you because of the other two, I just don't remember when it was. I just know that you are amazing, you make me smile and I can't afford to frown most days. Gardenia's was love from the first time I read and will once again be love when I read it for the last time. your writing made me feel like I was ten trying to piece together a fib to tell me mother. And I truly do mean that, you seemed to write with words bigger, with more feeling and heck more smarts than my body had. And then I found out you were fourteen and I was jealous. But I love you and it still. I wish you were coming.
Now Crystal I know I didn't include you here and that's because I've never read one of your fanfictions and I'm truthfully ashamed to admit that. I mean I've read one shots and joints you have done but never one of your fanfictions. But even so I know you are an amazing writer. You are one of the best friends I could have ever asked for, you are so much more than that also. You are my sister, just like the other girls are but you are like the sister I go to visit on holidays lol. Your dad is like my dad and your brother... well he's my lover (haha jk) but hey I love you the most sister. I'll see you in july<3
So truthfully I joined jbf to read stories I never imagined that I would post my stories, never imagined I would meet you and never imagined that i would have sisters becaue of it.
xoxo
Stephani

THECABTHECABTHECABTHECABTHECABBBB

so my blog has NOTHING to do with the cab, but um, I'M EXCITED! hah the cab is one of my favorite bands. <3

and now for the point of this blog.

--
since returning to jbf to post subterfuge under my new alias, i started to wonder why and how we all joined jbf. i mean there are tons of other fansites out there, why did we all join jbf and what prompted us to start reading/writing fanfic?

haha your blog response or comment to this is totally optional. i'm just curious i guess. and as always, you don't have to read mine.

i'd just gotten tickets to the jonas concert in lafayette on the wylmite tour and since i was going alone i kind of wanted to see if i could meet up with someone there. it was a few months before the concert, so i searched for jonas fansites with forums and jbf showed up. i joined, created my question and forgot about it for a few days. when i checked back nobody had answered so i decided to just read around other parts of the forum. i found the fanfic section and clicked on a few that captured my interest.

the first one that really grabbed me was mel's elevator. i remember being in the library, class, and a ton of other public places while reading that story. i'm sure people thought i was crazy, but the humor was just so amazing. i left her comments and thought i was surely annoying her. but her story was so great!

during all of that i asked for a siggy from ashlynn taylor. we got to talking and she and mel encouraged me to write.

now joining jbf to write fanfiction wasn't something i'd originally set out to do, but i already had a username so why not? so insecurites aside i began writing my first fanfic, "secrets don't make friends." (and yes, i smiled at that title. THANKS MEL.) the response and love was overwhelming. i couldn't believe it!

as we all know, next came laws and a ton of one-shots, ladedah and other things. mel put me in "breathe" which made my life because i got to marry ROBERT! :) i remember getting into fights about KEVIN with bre and they got violent (but so fun!)

then i noticed that mel was reading this little fic called "gardenias" by a person called perfervid_heart. taking a chance, i decided to read it too. and man was i hooked! the characters and writing put mine to shame and i was floored. i requested a siggy by this amazing writer and soon after i was getting comments from this person, saying they liked my story.

it definitely boosted my self esteem for a while :)

ren (as i later found out that's what perfervid_heart's name was) imed me and we started a friendship. i was already iming mel, so it was perfect that we all liked each other. we became arm. i don't remember how that actually got started, but we were arm and it was amazing.

laws was probably the highlight of my jbf writing career. i met crystal and steph during it as well. crystal was one of the best commenters in the world. she had something nice to say about everything and her words always made my day. when she started writing who's the dog i was one of her biggest fans. i still say it needs to be finished, but who am i to remind people of their unfinished stories? (...let's not even begin to count how many i've left sitting staring at me, begging me to continue them. those poor fics.)

i met steph differently. i'd seen her around before, probably read something of hers before, but we'd never really talked. until my pedophilia came up with her and mel and the rest is pedophiliac heaven. :) i was surprised to find out that a virtual stranger was going to write a fic about me being a pedophile, but it was awesome so i was all for it. i'm so excited to see my freezer this summer!!!

in a massive chat one day i randomly decided we should have teams. i'll never remember why, but that doesn't matter. because that day "sac" was born. true, it wasn't me, steph and crystal, but later on we became sac. the merger of arm and sac was beautiful. :)

okay i forgot the point of this, but it was fun remembering my side of this. i can't imagine not having you girls in my life. and to think i only joined because i wanted to meet up with people at my concert.

i met up with some of the most amazing friends i could ever ask for. :)

thanks jbf!

WittyProfiles

Gahhh, I love this site. It's amazing, and I find it almost scary how profound/touching some of these quotes are. Be warned, this is gonna be a reallllly looooong post.

One of my favorite things in the world is meaningful nonsense.

Sometimes you read something or see something that you don`t really understand,

but it really speaks to you. You may not know what it means, but you know it's meaningful,

a n d t h a t i t h a s c h a n g e d y o u r l i f e | f o r e v e r . |

If you really think,

this moment, right now, will never be here again.

today, will never be here again.

your only the age you are now, once.

you can't return or exchange anything you do.

right now, is right now, and tomorrow, is tomorrow.

live life to the fullest.






i'm too many things at once.

i'm everything: a sister, a daughter. a cousin, a niece. a friend,

an enemy. someone hated, someone loved. a fashion do, a
fashion don't. a lucky charm, a curse. a freedom, a burden. a
genius, an idiot... the list goes on. but this time when i looked
in the mirror, i didn't see all of them. they disappeared behind
the glass; and what i found? i found one person. one girl. one
teenager. still many things, but somehow still just one. yet i was
surprised to find t hat for [ once ] in my life, what i saw there?
i wasn't disappointed. (:

The ..::FUTURE::..

belongs to -->those<---

who [b e l i e v e] in the

*'beauty of //their\\

dreams



-eleanor roosevelt

The road to success

is not straight. There is a curve called failure, a loop called confusion, speed bumps called friends, red lights called enemies, caution lights called family, you will have flat tires called jobs, but if you have a spare tire called determination, and engine called preservance, a driver called God, you will make it to a place called success.

there come's a point in your life when you realize

who matters, who never did

and who always will. so don't stress about the

people from the past, there's a reason they didn't

make it to your future

^{m o v e o n .}

<sub>I t ' s j u s t a c h a p t e r o f t h e p a s t .

B u t d o n ' t c l o s e t h e b o o k ,</sub>

j u s t t u r n t h e p a g e x

& one day you ask yourself...

w h y d o e s e v e r y t h i n g h a v e t o c h a n g e?

p e o p l e change to make themselves b e t t e r

even if it doesnt seem that way inoureyes

s e a s o n s c h a n g e.

relationships change.

attitudes change.

bodies change.

minds change.

ages change.

love changes.

things are lost.

t h i n g s are found.

peoplechangeforthebetter.

people change for the worse.

b u t no matter how m a n y times

wechange; how many people wehurt

c h a n g e i s c h a n g e .

the m o s t p o w e r f u l force in the world.

every change happens for a reason.

Life isn't about;;

how many people call you

and it's not about who you've dated, are dating, or haven't dated at all.

It's not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not.

Life isn't about;

if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are.

Life Just Isn't About That.





But life is about;;

But life is about who you love and who you hurt.

It's about how you feel about yourself.

It's about trust, happiness, and compassion.

It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love.

Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confidence.

It's about what you say and what you mean.

It's about seeing people for who they are and not for what they have.

Most of all, it is about living your life to touch someone else's.

The hardest thing to learn in life

is which bridge to cross

&+ which bridge to burn

maybe if we work a little bit harder
look a little bit deeper
and love a little bit more
we will find the peace in eachother. <3

So today

(: s m i l e :)

because you

never know

who's day

it might make.

:) (:

&& t h e r e s a r e a s o n w h y t h e y s a y

teenage years are the toughest

friendships get ruined.

rumors are told.

h e a r t s get broken.

trust becomes impossible.

judgment is around every corner.

&& hope is what keeps you g o i n g.

I believe that God chose to give

those who he knows is stronger

harder life situations;;

he knows they can handle it even

if they don't think so








Stop with the hurting and

stop with the p.a.i.n.

r e m e m b e r every moment

and [[dance]] in the rain

lifes to >>short<< to live with regrets

so live in the m o m e n t and "never" forget

the ones tht make ((you)) laugh and smile

because they are the one tht will be t.h.e.r.e. for you

through every inch and every mile







You never know how

.:STRONG:.

You are...

until being strong is the

(ONLY)

choice you have.

Isn't it sad how

when we are desperately sad

or hurt, we act awful and<---

want to be loved. how tragic

then, that everyone avoids:..

you and tip-toes around you

when you ( need ) them the

most. how bitter it felt when

you acted awful to everyone

and ended up hating yourself

the most.

you don't have to be perfect,

not now, not ever.

never fake a smile.