do what you want to do

i realized you cut me out of your life before you made it back to your house. and you know what i was fine with it. because i don't need a friend who gets mad at me for something stupid and then decides to cut me out of their life for the same fucking thing.
you say i don't listen to you but how do you listen to me? because no one ever does and i know that for a fact. if you listened my gram wouldn't have driven you all to the beach when i was planning on doing that the next day. but as i got yelled at for 'i wasn't going to do it.' if you listened you would know that i like pink more than blue. that i am physically and mentally abused to this day and have been since i was ten. you would know that i put up the hard fucking shell so that people couldn't get to me. you would know i don't cry or show most emotions because people can use them against me. and you would know that you are the only friend i have ever had who has made me cry because they hurt me. yea other friends have made me cry, but mainly because of something sad, never because of my feelings before.
you used me despite thinking you didn't. I paid for every single bit of gas in my car, over two hundred fucking dollars so that you could go to every concert you wanted to go to. I paid for your ticket to jonas, and honor society, and for you to meet honor society. I paid for parking to a concert I really didn't want to go to because you did. I paid for food for you, my family paid for food for you. We did every fucking thing that you and the others wanted to do. Because you were the guest at our house. So you used me to see bands you liked, movies you liked, animals you liked, people you liked. That's how you fucking used me, because you didn't pay for everything yourself.
If I had a choice I would have gone to one of the fucking concerts we went to. Warped tour. We were there for two fucking hours and then you all decided to fucking leave. I hadn't seen a single band I had wanted to see. But oh we can't stay because you all didn't want to. That's bullfuckingshit. I paid for those tickets, yes I didn't pay for yours but I paid for the others and if I had known we were going to go for two fucking hours, I wouldn't have wasted time driving there. Because we sat in traffic for longer than we were at the show.
You are the reason that I don't have anywhere to live, because I didn't do a single thing you wanted. Which is a lie. I went to the fucking Castle and had fun there, because you wanted to see a Castle and all you did is complain the whole time, because 'the castle was too small. this walk is not good for me. I need to sit down.' Oh yea I paid for that too.
And I didn't even want you to pay me back for any of that, because I was just so fucking excited that you were going to be here.
I love how we focus on my negativity.
And not on the fact that I tried to be nice to you all the time, and you made fun of me, of my voice, of how I said certain words. Yes I did call you a hick at times, mainly in the beginning but it was always in a joking manner, you meant it. and said it to hurt me. I stopped though you didn't. I never once commented on your fucking attitude when you had a problem I never once said you were being a bitch to someone and yet you did a lot.
You talk about how I treat people and yet you do the same fucking thing all the time. You threaten the lives of the people you live with when we are on the phone, or through text or twitter. I'm not the only one who has heard it or seen it and I know I'm not. I don't do that, and I won't because I actually like my family, yes we might not get along all the time but they are my family, and truth be told if I wasn't trying to protect myself from you the whole time you were here I wouldn't have been mean to them. My grandmother is actually one of my best friends and truthfully I'm glad you don't hold that title, at least not anymore.
And you seem to fucking think that your my only fucking friend and the only person I can be mad at. I'll let you in on a secret I have friends outside of the internet. And I can be mad at them too. Just because you think my life revolves around you, doesn't mean it's true. The delete from my life comment wasn't for you, but you take things out of context and how you want to. You always have, just like the night you hung up on me because 'i was making fun of your accent' even though I was just talking.
I know what I said to Crystal was wrong even though it was said through twitter and not directed at anyone really. And we talked about it, because that's what people do, they don't just delete connection to other people. But you didn't actually try and talk to me, not after you called me a bitch if I remembered correctly you ignored me until I had to bring you to the airport. I was going to give you a hug goodbye and apologize for being mean those last days and you just looked at me said 'you don't like hugs' and walked away. that right then was when I knew there was no friendship there anymore.
Sure I don't care about people, so me freaking out when you passed out was me not caring. So me making sure that you made it back to your house safe was me not caring. So me crying my eyes out because my best friend, well now former best friend, just called me a bitch is me not caring. So me not wanting to go home because I knew that you weren't going to be there was me not caring. So me caring enough to make sure that you had your seatbelt on in case of an accident is me not caring. So me making sure that you have water to drink because you did pass out once and I didn't want to have to go through that again is me not caring. So me stopping every time you guys wanted food, or something to drink or anything like that is me not caring.
This is my last post on this blog, I'm never visiting JonasBug again so Crystal it's all yours. and you know what I don't care if you have a problem with me. I quit our friendship, which I'm happy to say doesn't exist. I'll probably never talk to any of you again. And I'm sorry I don't want it to end like this. But my life needs to just start over. And I can't do that with you all. I love each and every one of you, even Ashley even though she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. But I need to stop acting like I'm still a teenager and get on with my life, without you.
Goodbye.
Stephani


You left some shit at my house by the way, but since we're not friends anymore, I guess I'll just burn it.

i wasn't going to do this.

i debated for a long while whether or not i would make this post. whether or not i'd actually be able to write this in hopes you'd read this and actually LISTEN to what i want to say to you. i wasn't going to do this here, but i don't know where else it could go.

to me writing a blog to you here is just like what you do through twitter. it involves people who shouldn't be in the middle of things and it's public and just immature. but you never listened to me when i tried to talk. instead you'd make fun of me or ignore me, choosing to twitter your insults and jibes instead of coming to me to sort out our problems. so i know me writing this blog is immature, but sometimes if you can't beat them you have to join them, at least for a little while.

pretty much from the start you've always chosen me as your victim. like a middle school bully sizing up the playground, you could probably see that i would be hurt by your insults, but like the insecure person i am i'd take them longer without fighting back. the time has come for me to fight back, but i'm not going to attack you like you do me.

i realized i called you a bitch. honestly, you were acting like one. when you get upset because a BOARD GAME isn't going your way, how are you going to handle the real world? people lose, shit happens. we get over it and move on. i'm not sorry i called you a bitch, so if you're looking for an apology about that you're wasting your time. you've called me much worse, so let's not even go there.

if i said it once, i've said it a million times: it's hard for me to make friends. i guess that's why i took your shit for so long. even though it hurt me when you made fun of me, called me names, and just in general acted like you hated my very existance, i still wanted to be your friend just so i could say i had one. but i can't do that anymore.

don't get me wrong, some of the times we've had were awesome, and there were moments you were a great person. but then your evil side pops out and i'm reminded just why i have to do this.

you told me once you would do anything for your friends because we were all you have. if that's true then why do you treat us this way? at this moment i'm not only talking about myself here. the day of the honor society show i saw another side of you...the worst yet. you took something we all thought was so generous and amazing and turned it into something awful. we all know our friend couldn't have came without you and YOUR GRAM helping her, but friends don't use that as a guilt trip. trust me, she knows how much this is and i know for a fact it meant so much to her. using that as a way to upset her pissed me off. it really, really helped me come to this decision.

i also don't get how i "used" you. if you think you're the better person, that's fine. i'm done fighting and arguing with you. this will probably be my last post on the armsac blog simply because i don't know how we'll all last through this. but i genuinely want to know how i used you. i paid my own way, i bought everything myself. yes i used you in the sense of being in the same car as you when we went places, but what is that really? carpooling? it's good for the environment you know.

i wish you could see how you treat people. i know i'm far from perfect, but i always try to treat a person like they matter. i don't think you even realize how horrible you are to your family. they have to love you, but that doesn't mean they like you.

so this is what it finally comes down to. like you say, i'm "deleting you" from my life. i'm tired of living in negativity and lately that's all you've brought. the vacation was great at times, but a little bad too.

i'm sorry it came to this, but until you learn how to treat people, i can't be around you.

goodbye.

We drove three hours just for Ashley to pass out.

Crystal goes to bed at 10:30.
I leave the living room at 1:30 go to my room.
Go to bed at like 2:30.
Ashley & Ricky go to bed sometime.
I wake up at 8 AM. Less than six hours sleep.
Crystal wakes up at like 9:30.
Ashley at like 10.
I get breakfast made by my gram :]
Crystal & Ash get breakfast too!
Richard wakes up.
Eats breakfast.
& falls back asleep.
Watch movie til 1:30.
Get dressed.
Leave at like two.
Drive three hours, really madly to Jones Beach New York.
Arrive an hour early. FML.
Stand in line for an hour.
Ashley eats French Fries the rest of us just stand around.
Comment on the conversation the girls behind us were having.
Zac Efron look a like in line in front of us.
Without the butt :[
Get inside.
walk to the stage.
Stand bored.
Days Difference, they are cute.
They play four songs.
I try not to laugh.
Push Play, they are cute.
Windblown (or some shit like that) [aka derek]
The gay one [ceejay]
& the other two.
they were good. I sang along :]
We call Meg and let her listen for about a minute.
Standing waiting watching Cartel set up.
Ashley falls to the ground.
A.K.A. she passes out behind me.
My heart freaks the fuck out.
I was the only one who saw it, Ricky & Crystal were in front of me.
My mind goes
"SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT"
I smack Ricky to get him to turn around.
Ashley hit her head, her glasses flew off and she took out like three other people.
I'm still freaking out.
She opens her eyes.
Sits up.
Someone hands her water, she drinks some.
Someone else gives her back her glasses.
She tries to stand.
They tell her to stay down.
Fucking freaking the hell out still.
Someone asks if she has diabetes.
Ashley replies, "No I'm just fat."
People have been screaming for security & shit.
No one comes.
Other security guards tell people to move and for her to walk over to the barrier.
She stands up, with help from Ricky & me & then walks over.
They help her over as the paramedic & two more security guards arrive.
She tells us to stay where we are.
WTF. No.
Follows over to the back of the barrier where she is.
They put her in a wheel chair.
Ricky hits a security guard multiple times asking if she's okay.
He says yes.
They start to wheel her the fuck away & I follow after weaving through the stupid fuckers sitting on the ground.
Ricky & Crystal follow.
My heart is fucking racing. RACING.
To the point of I think I'm going to have a heart attack.
We kind of race after the wheelchair, that fucker walked wayyy to fast.
I'm repeatedly saying.
"I'm going to cry."
They wheel her to the first aide place.
We walk inside & sit down.
It's fucking hot in there.
we walk outside, cause they wheel her outside.
Crystal goes to get a Days Difference t-shirt.
I'm still freaking out.
Ashley's making more jokes about being fat & shit.
"Address?"
"1400 Maple Dr. Winfield, LA."
....
"Where's that?"
Yes that did happen.
Then ashley's like.
"I wish I had a cool scar from it or something."
I want to smack her.
The paramedic calls her hardcore.
*glares*
her & the paramedic bond.
I twitter.
It goes like this.
"Ashley just passed out. Shit Shit Shit."
Ashley is still bonding.
I realize Crystal is still gone
"Where is she I don't need another one getting hurt!"
She's walking back.
I'm okay.
She got a cool shirt.
My heart is still flying.
The paramedic asks what she's had to eat today
"Um Eggs, toast ham & fries."
"For lunch?"
"Fries."
He glares at me, like seriously wtf she's twenty years old she can fucking feed herself.
& She had the most to eat out of all of us yesterday.
"We can stay."
UM NO Ashley we can't.
Ashley & Crystal try to convince us we can stay.
UM NO!
Ricky and I have decided we are leaving. Sorry.
They both try to convince us again.
NO.
End of story. (about staying not end period)
We leave and go to wendy's.
Get food & Drinks.
Ashley eats one chicken nugget & drinks her large lemonade.
I eat most of my food, Crystal eats most of her food, Ricky eats his food oh & everyone's left overs & drinks part of my drink.
I am now breathing normally.
Stop at a gas station to get Ricky cigarettes (& me) & get crystal 'pop' & ashley gum.
"I'm at a gas station in New York"-Ashley
"Would you like any more cigarettes"- Indian guy (after he handed me three fucking packs.)
[Um no. I don't smoke that much, richard might though]
start on the way to Mel's house.
Annoying drive, my phone dies multiple times, Richard has to hold it and tell me directions.
We get to Mel's house & tell her what happened & stuff.
Ashley goes,
"Yea I remember seeing spots and then looking at the ground."
"I don't remember anything else except someone handing me water and then them lifting me over the barrier, I wasn't being any help at all."
"It was awesome."
I swear she wanted me to die. Then she starts to plan it so next time she passes out she can freak them all out.
I'm like NO.
DO NOT.
WTF.
We plan on stealing stuff from Melissa.
:]
sleep for the most part.
Ricky stays awake for the most part.
Locks himself out of the house at like 2 am.
hahahaha.
he calls four people including one of my va friends. :]
Mel wakes up and lets him in.
He walks into the room at one part & I tell him to go to sleep.
He finally goes to sleep at like 5 am.
I wake up at 7 am.
Walk out of the room.
say hi to mel's dad.
walk back into the room
fall back asleep.
Ricky manages to always fall asleep where he can kick me.
I do not like this.
Wake up like four more timess.
Before at 9 am. someone forces me awake *glares at crystal*
Spray Ricky with High school musical body spray.
Leave mel's.
Drive for like an hour.
get gas, & then go to Burger King.
They have jonas shit.
grab like six crowns.
Oh & steal a Joe Jonas gift card, I was not putting money on it.
Eat.
Leave.
drive back home.
Yea :]
the end.

I love being the only one who can see other people's drafts.

hahha this really has nothing to do with that but I hit a button when trying to get a new post (this thing hates me!!) and saw the drafts and stuff. Usually I'll read them and then decided if they need to be deleted or just left alone. Like the ones that just have a title and have been here for a month go bye bye. but the ones that were just posted and have a shizz load of stuff to them stay. There are two that come to mind to me that were in the 'stay group' both by Ren believe it or not. The first one is the first blog Ren ever started to write on here. She was talking about us all and then stopped at me, made a comment about me being the girl with five colors in her hair. And the second one was from not to long ago and it's do so many different song titles in it. But that's not about this.

It's officially 7:23 and like 32 seconds in Connecticut right now (which means most of you are also experiencing it being 7:2... oh darn 7:24.) and that means that in just over five hours. I'm going to have best friend time with three of the greatest people ever. And then we have to wait an hour for Ashley to come, but hey we can chill out and make plans about how to be mean to her. JK lol. You know we are totaly normal for the most part but then again we totally aren't. & yes ashley your sign does say hickcicle on it.
I'm watching tv and trying to think about anything else. my heart is like eep. epp. epppppp. but yea i think i'll just thing of breakfast and my awesome hair (it's not actually green but Crystal thought it was. I have a green wig lol but i'm going to the airport wearing it.)
this is going to be insane. I remember when there were 272 days until ARMSAC. I remember when Ashley sent in her jonassecret about it, like the day before we changed the day that everyone was coming in. I remember when we had thought half would be at my house, and half at Mels. I remember everything it's insane.
I remember meeting Crystal for the first time, and I do mean that. I remember I was standing at the end of her driveway talking to her on the phone. Ricky, Kevin and Crystal all came out side and Ricky & Kevin spotted me Crystal did not. She asked where I was and Ricky was like RIGHT THERE. hahahh :]
I rememeber meeting Mel for the first time too. I was at the movie theater waiting and we had been texting each other and then she pulled in. We both got out of our cars, I was just hoping it was her and she was looking for me. She texted me when I was standing right in front of her. that right there is one of my best friends. hahah I love you Melisssa <3
and now I'm meeting Ashley for the first time. I'm pretty sure she is gonna hate me every once and a while but it will be worth it. I kinda need to wash my car right now. So maybe i'll do that after I have breakfast.

YEA

xoxo
SinfulStephani

it's about time.

no, i'm not going to talk about the jonas cd. in fact, i probably won't mention jonas at all after this part right here or if i do it will be about the concerts or something. bleh.

instead, i just needed to take a minute to really reflect on the things that are about to take place.

i believe what i tweeted earlier. if you had told me a year ago that i'd be meeting stephani, melissa, crystal, and i don't even know if i knew him at the time but i'm including him in this sentence - ricky, i would have laughed and worked on a chapter of whatever fic i was writing at the time. it didn't seem logical. firstly i hadn't been friends with you guys for very long, secondly we had no idea our friendship would be so solid for a year, and thirdly we've already established how much of a big scaredy cat i am.

but here it is. it's 10:25 p.m. at this very second and in three and a half hours or so i'll be heading to alexandria. in another few i'll be headed off to hartford.

it's so surreal in a way simply because nothing like this has ever happened to me before. i've packed, i've planned, and i've thought about these two weeks for FOREVER, but it wont' be real to me even when i'm on the plane. i actually think it might hit me when i see you guys. don't be surprised if i cry. because i'm just so amazed that this is happening.

i just needed a minute to just...emote hahaha what i'm feeling.

yay armsac!

My schedule so far.

July6-NO WORK yeaaa(aka cleaning my room. oops)

7-Sleeping for a really long time & then girls.

8- Work til noon. then six flags & or something else with Marina & Brittany.

9- work til 1 then ?

10-no work.

11- work til 1(ithink?) then?

12- ummmm.

13-work then new york then mels

14-no work, drving back from mels

15-work :[ (most likely harry potter at midnight)

16-work than the cab

17-jonas

18-jonas

19-(little sister's birthday)

20-nowork

21-warped

22-bye bye :[
That's of course all I know so far.
(boo)

Oh Boy

As much as I don't want to take up a whole post doing this, I can't think of a better place to do it. As it stands right now, here's my schedule for armsac...Feel free to disregard, haha.

Tues July 7
lessons 10-11
Hartford Airport to pick up Ash, Crystal, and Ricky
Steph's house for the night

Wed July 8
no work
Six Flags?
home that night

Thurs July 9
lessons 10-11
can we go to the beach? Then i can spend the day with you guys since I don't have to work.

Fri July 10
work

Sat July 11
work

Sun July 12
hopefully off so we can do something

Mon July 13
lessons
work
you all crashing at my place

Tues July 14
breakfast?
lessons
work

Wed July 15
lessons
work


Thurs July 16
lessons
work
Steph's house that night

Fri July 17
JONAS

Sat July 18
JONAS

Sun July 19
home
work



Depending on how many kids we have sign up for next session of lessons, some of this could change. I'll be driving a lot, but that's all good cause I love to. I'm sorry I can't go to the airport on the 22, but that's the craziest day since three of the guards will be gone and I HAVE to be at work. :(
Soo, it sucks. I hate how much time I'm going to miss, but hopefully it'll work out. And my car won't die. xD

hmm...

as excited i am for the days coming up, right now i'm just, well not sad really, but just thinking.

you guys don't know this but tomorrow will be the 6th anniversary of my pawpaw's death. this is a tough time for everyone in my family and we're all a little down. it's so weird that it's been that long but at the same time when i think about him i feel like it was only yesterday.

a while back i posted a blog about him, so i won't do it again. i just needed to vent.

ARMSAC Checklist

1. Clothes (duh)
2. Money (duh)
3. Crystal you need a letter from your dad saying we can treat Richard if he gets sick or anything.
4. some form of ID.
5. Anything else you wanna bring.

We have like pillows & stuff at my house, & it looks like one of my grams friends might be staying at my house during part of the time (oh great a racists fat old lady... oh wait i live with one of those)
so basically we'll be sleeping in the living room.
we have a sleeping bag...or two & couches and shit. Um.
BYE.

Kevin. Is. Engaged.

As odd as this most likely sounds. I always thought I would be angry or depressed when it happened. and yet I'm excited. I like him and Danielle together (but we'll let that slide it's apparently the sickness talking) So I'm kind of excited for them to get married. And have little curly haired greyhound babies... Now that's not the sickness that is my bitter rage that has been in my body for a while, but hey at least they won't be swamp babies.... hopefully.
<3
xoxo
Sinful Stephani