i have no idea

to be honest, i really have no idea why i'm writing this. i mean it's kind of stupid really and i may not want everyone to read it, but at the same time maybe it should be read. all of a sudden i've just got this intense feeling in my chest and i'm hoping that maybe if i write this it'll go away.

so here it is...hahaha i'm so lame.

i've never really been a "bad kid." i was the daughter and granddaughter in the family that was probably expected to be great. that's not to say i never got in any trouble, but it was usually minor compared to that of my cousins and even sister.

in my senior year at high school, things secretly began to change. i went out with friends more and ultimately did a lot of things that i will never regret, but should have thought about more before i did them. you've all heard my stories about me and drinking, so i'll spare you the details of all of it.

it wasn't just drinking though. one night at my friend's house there was pot, and i was offered to try it. i could have said no and nobody would have thought any less of me. my friends aren't the type to push things on anyone. but i did try it. the effect was amazing. it was me, but enhanced. things were funnier, everyone was happy, and the coolest thing was the numbing sensation in my mouth. i sat there for an hour (or maybe two minutes...time has a funny way of screwing with your head when you're hight) and bit the inside of my mouth, just because it would tingle and not hurt.

of course they say what happens the first time you smoke pot affects how you'll react to it, so maybe that's why i mess with people and try to freak them out. it was all they did to my friend timmy because they knew he got paranoid. but maybe it's just who you're with, because several other times i was with isiah and we could just chill and talk. i don't know.

the whole party and get high stage didn't really last long. it started senior year, picked up majorly after graduation, and then just slacked off. i didn't really even think about it much, or miss it. it was a period of fun i had in my life, but i thought it was over.

and then last week will offered me some pot. i talked to stephani about it and i was really unsure if i wanted to smoke it or not. did i want to ruin the record i had going for me? will really wanted me to because it was his "birthday" (it was the day after) so i did. again, i know i didn't have to.

that night was one of the most fun nights i've had in a really long time. maybe it was because i knew i shouldn't be doing that, or maybe it was because i was actually out with people, i don't know. but i was extremely happy to just BE.

i hadn't really thought about smoking again until earlier today, and then it just hit me like a truck. i want to again. i don't need to, i want to. maybe i need to, i don't know. it's fucking retarded.

i wrote all of this with no idea what the purpose is. i just don't want to really go down the road i went last time when i drank so much i couldn't remember the last half of the night. i'm cool with drinking, but i haven't since that party last year (except for maybe a sip or two). i don't want one thing to lead into another. i've already started smoking, which is something i didn't think i'd ever do.

holy crap, i'm a loser.